Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye
by Lesera128
Summary: A series of one-shots about the life of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place in the universe created in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." Remus/Tonks.  Very AU. Complete.
1. Ch 1:Push & Pull:Remus POV

Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye

By: Lesera128

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Duh.

Summary: A series of one-shots about the life of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place in the universe created in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." Remus/Tonks. AU.

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><p>Author's Note: This series of one-shots are best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place in the universe before, concurrent, or after the events detailed in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." There is no rhyme or reason as to the chronology of these one-shots. I will try my best to note their chronological place, but I don't want to be too specific or things will get confusing. Please note that I wrote these pieces at the same time I began that story in 20052006, so it will help if you have read what is written of that story first. As a matter a fact, if you haven't read some of the first few chapters of that story, you will most likely be confused at things referenced in this story.

Fair warning: "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" currently remains uncompleted. It isn't because I have given up on that story, but simply put, after the publication of Order of the Phoenix, a bitter taste developed in my mouth that never went away. I started hating the plot of the series from the death of Sirius forward. So, for the purposes of this story, consider it AU up until the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. Anything that occurs from book #5 forward does not exist in this story's universe with happy, happy, and joyously deliberate intent. I do intend, at some point, to complete the story (there are only two chapters and two epilogues left to write anyway)… I just need to find some motivation.

Negative or snarky comments, flames, or petty jibs will be simply ignored. If you don't like the universe that this series represents, turn back now, for here be dragons. I am posting these series of one-shots more for the sake that they are complete, and some people have been curious as to where the plot of "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" ended up… so, if you are curious, stay tuned to find out….

This chapter was partially inspired by the song "Push and Pull" by Nikka Costa. It is quite an excellent song, and for those who are unfamiliar with it, I highly suggest you check it out.

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><p>Chapter 1: Push and Pull (Remus' POV)<p>

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><p>The details to how I have ended up where I am here and now are inconsequential. As I lay here bleeding, I can feel the life seeping out of me and back into the earth from whence I came.<p>

While I was growing up, I remember once right after I was bitten and some of the children whom I thought were friends called me an "unnatural beast of the night." Out of their fear, they wished the horrors and damnation of hell upon me. Little did they know, I've been living with the horrors and damnation of a living hell for the majority of my adult life.

Sometimes… sometimes I feel so torn. Growing up as I did after the bite, but before Hogwarts, were some of the most lonely times I ever spent in my entire life. Even after James and Lily were killed, and Peter and Sirius were gone, at least I had Dumbledore and the Order and Ted and Andi and Dora to keep me going. Especially Dora. I've loved that little girl from the moment she opened her eyes and smiled her first smiled at me when I was eleven years old. The only problem is, I'm no longer a little boy, and she's no longer a child.

I'm in no condition to think about this now. Dusk is upon me, and I can feel the pull of the moon this evening. I should have never accepted a mission like this so close to the full moon - too many things can go wrong. But, of course, Dumbledore asked. And there is nothing, nothing I wouldn't do for that man.

The wolf is restless this night. I can feel it in me. I'm running out of time. I have no idea how the wounds I have sustained in my human form will be translated into anything other than minor annoyances and irritations for the wolf. The moon is almost upon me, and I can tell the wolf wants only two things... he wants to be free, and he wants HER.

All my life, I've had to struggle. It's not that I'm complaining, mind you. I learned a long time ago that complaining was a useless and fruitless act of futility. I've come to terms with my affliction long ago. What I haven't made my peace is the constant state of push and pull I'm in when to comes HER. And, as I've lain here most of the day bleeding to death, I suddenly realized why I am in a constant state of turmoil over her. It's an issue of control.

A lot of people have never understood me. Don't misunderstand me, in their own ways and times, James and Sirius and even Peter were brothers to me. I loved each and every single one of them. But, they only knew a part of me. Sometimes I think the only people who truly understand me... me, the real Remus, were Dumbledore and Lily.

Lily.

I loved that woman from the first moment I saw her as a newly sorted eleven-year-old Gryffindor. She was my best friend… and maybe more. Was I attracted to her physically as we grew older? Sure. She's the first woman I ever kissed... the first woman whom I ever contemplated giving in and losing control for. I always felt so safe, so comfortable with Lily. She was the first woman who ever touched me like that... But, even with Lily I couldn't let it go all the way. I couldn't lose control completely. I was too much a coward, you see. I couldn't give up control completely and totally even for someone as wonderful as Lily Evans.

And, then she met James, and that was that.

Even now, looking back, I am not sure what you could call what existed between Lily and I. A very complex and very intricate friendship that was sometimes more? Could I call Lily a lover? We never slept together, not really, so I'm not sure. But, I did lose something to Lily. On a few scattered nights, I lost my fear of losing control. I wasn't alone. I wasn't scared anymore.

But, then, as I said, James finally caught her attention. Never misunderstand me when I say I love James that I didn't understand his faults. The ability to observe the intricacies of my emotional state was one of them. Sirius might have suspected something, but I think he left well enough alone. Only Peter knew about Lily and I. To the day she died, I think that's true. I mean, I know she told James that she and I were close... and that she was there for me in some difficult times. I think she might have even told James that I loved her. But, I don't think she ever told him that I was *in* love with her. No, no one but Peter, Lily, and I know about that.

After I lost my chance with Lily, which I never really resented, although there were nights I wondered "what-if"... at least until Harry was born, and then I relegated even those thoughts to the attic of my brain, I thought I'd be alone for the rest of my life.

If a witch as wonderful as Lily Evans couldn't break the push and the pull concerning my conundrum with fear of losing control, than who could?

Of course, that was before I realized that SHE had grown up.

When did it happen? When did she go from being the eight year old clutching Marie to her chest and calling me Remy to a woman who had a body like the one peeking out of her black Auror Robes? When did she stop being the little girl whom I was the only one could make her really smile? When did she stop loving me as a little girl loves an older brother?

Oh, Nymphadora Tonks still loves me... at least, I think she does. Yes, I think a part of her does, anyway. But, she is so utterly and completely bewildering to me. She has spent years building walls between her and at least me. Every time I've tried to get close to the part of her that is that little girl, I find nothing but brick. When did she become so hard? When did she learn the trick of using humor and the lighter aspects of her personality to cover up wounds that hurt her so badly they never really stopped bleeding? When did she ever receive wounds like that to begin with? If I knew how she received those festering wounds... the wounds that never completely go away, I would do anything in my power to make it better for her. Heaven help the individual responsible if I ever find out the cause for her shutting down emotionally.

I want to understand her, I truly do. I think, sometimes, that if I understood her, that would increase her chances of understanding me better than anyone else ever has... even Dumbledore and Lily.

But, that is a task a lot easier said than done. She is the most confusing and utterly bewildering individual I've ever met. Every now and then, I get glimpses. Every so often, I see behind the mountainous wall of brick she's placed between us. The day by the lake at Hogwarts, and in Diagon Alley. How could she think I wouldn't know it was her? Of course, I knew.

If only she'd give me a chance...

But then there is the question that if I am given the chance, what would I do with it? Am I destined to lose love twice? Will I lose Dora to some one else like I lost Lily to James just because I am afraid to feel and to act on those feelings?

Therein lies my personal hell. All thought, no action. All pretense... It seems as if my life is one that is doomed to be clouded by my inability to be honest with myself and with people whom I love... like Lily, but especially Dora. I'm good at it, anyway; I'm good at being what I'm not. It's not like anyone knows the difference anyway.

But, I'm older now. There are so many other things that act against me trying to break down Dora's walls. I *am* so much older than she is... and the lycanthropy doesn't help matters. Dora deserves a home and children. God, I want her to be able to have babies. As good a mother as Lily was to Harry, Dora might be even better, and that is saying something. I think one of my greatest regrets in life would be if I knew that I was the reason why Dora never carried life inside her... never felt that life move inside her for the first time... never gave birth to a baby with big blue eyes just like hers... never watched her child grow and prosper and thrive.

If nothing else, I'd wouldn't take that away from Dora. I care about her too much.

She deserves better than me. She deserves a man to love who can love her just as deeply... a man who can feel things just as deeply and passionately as she does. She deserves a man who can show her and touch her in just the right way to illustrate the depths of his passion for her. In other words, she needs and deserves a man I can never be.

The only thing is, well, that the wolf doesn't agree.

Sometimes I fear what might happen if I am near Dora when the wolf is in control. On a night when I have taken the Wolfsbane to retain my mind, the worry is far from my mind. But on nights when I haven't taken it, that's when my fear becomes great. What they don't tell people is this... werewolves sometimes retain mental vestiges of the wolf shortly before and shortly after the transformation if the potion isn't taken.

And… as I've said, the wolf directly disagrees with my assessment of my situation with Dora... just like he did with Lily, although I would be lying if I said things weren't different with Dora. With Lily, the wolf simply wanted her because he wanted the physical release. To him, it didn't matter who she was as long as she was a willing female. With Dora... well, with Dora I can tell it's more than that. The wolf wants Dora because she's Dora.

Sometimes, I can tell he blames me for not taking a mate. If he were human, sometimes I can hear him in my head in a voice that is oddly like Sirius' saying, 'your life would be a whole lot less complicated and more enjoyable if you let yourself have a good shag, Remus.'

Indeed.

What the wolf fails to realize is that it is because of him that I have a fear of losing control. I have no idea what I could do if I lose control, especially to him.

Then again, I have no idea what I could feel either, he likes to point out.

Point taken. You see, that is how it usually is between us. A push and pull battle that usually ends in a catch-22 stalemate. I may never win, but neither will he.

But, I would be lying if I told you there weren't moments, because there are. There are moments I can smell her... I can smell Tonks… and I know that while she may be saying one thing to me, she means something else entirely. I can smell her scent so perfectly, I can almost taste her. I know, at times, she wanted me… still wants me and that level of want is so high. What I wouldn't give to be to able to give in to me wanting her.

It's a thought I've clung to for a very long time. It's a thought I'll continue to cling to now that the moon is almost upon me. I've almost run out of time thinking about this. It's not like there is anything else I can do. I can almost see the moon from here... I can see it in the sky. I've looked there every night of my life for an answer. Maybe on this, my last night on earth, I'll finally receive one?

But, even if I do, since my problem lies with Dora, I probably won't even understand. I never do.

And, besides, she was so angry at me yesterday before I left. I never knew she could be that angry. I tried to explain things, but it seems like she just doesn't understand. I don't know how she couldn't ever understand since she said what she said, even if it was in anger.

So, what does it matter anyway?

It doesn't in the grand scheme of things. All I can do is hope that maybe one day... maybe one day things will be different, maybe one day I'll be different. Maybe one day I won't be afraid. It's a dream of mine, you see.

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><p>-TBC-<p> 


	2. Ch 2:The Other Side of the Coin:Wolf POV

Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye

By: Lesera128

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Duh.

Summary: A series of one-shots about the life of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place in the universe created in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." Remus/Tonks. AU.

Author's Note: This series of one-shots are best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place just chronologically before, concurrently with, or after the events detailed in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." I wrote these pieces at the same time I began that story in 2005/2006, so it will help if you have read what is written of that story first. As a matter a fact, if you haven't read some of the first few chapters of that story, you will most likely be confused at things referenced I this story.

Fair warning: "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" currently remains uncompleted. It isn't because I have given up on that story, but simply put, after the publication of Order of the Phoenix, a bitter taste developed in my mouth that never went away. I started hating the plot of the series from the death of Sirius forward. So, for the purposes of this story, consider it AU up until the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. Anything that occurs from book #5 forward does not exist in this story's universe with happy, happy, and joyously deliberate intent. I do intend, at some point, to complete the story (there are only two chapters and two epilogues left to write anyway)… I just need to find some motivation.

Negative or snarky comments, flames, or petty jibs will be simply ignored. If you don't like the universe that this series represents, turn back now, for here be dragons. I am posting these series of one-shots more for the sake that they are complete, and some people have been curious as to where the plot of "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" ended up… so, if you are curious, stay tuned to find out….

* * *

><p>Chapter 2 – The Other Side of the Coin (The Wolf POV)<p>

* * *

><p>You'd be surprised, but I'm not nearly as uncivilized as people seem to think that I am... especially Remus. He's a part of me, and I'm a part of him. There is no denying that... what I have never understood, is that while I have been able to make peace with my alter ego over the years, he's spent every single moment of every single day of every single year of his life since he was bitten at the age of six fighting me. I've learned things from him, and I like to think that I've mellowed over the years. But, he's never stopped to try and make his peace with me. We are ALWAYS fighting, locked in a constant struggle of wills... two more stubborn creatures you will rarely meet on this earth.<p>

I truly don't understand why. Ours should be a symbiotic relationship... But, if anything, its never been that because he looks at me as an affliction... as a curse. Sometimes I think he never truly understood me because he never truly understood himself. I am only as dark as he is... I am only what he makes me.

True, I do have my natural urges, but over the years, my instincts have been muted due to Remus' fear. I try not to think what might happen should Remus lose complete control of me... I just might not be able to help myself.

But losing just a bit of control is another matter all together. If there is one thing that I understand about Remus Lupin more than anything, it's that the one thing that he needs more than anything is to lose a bit of his cherished control. There are things that need to be done, and since he's too scared to do anything, I view it not only as my pleasure but a certifiable duty to help Mr. Lupin along.

He was scared of what happened tonight happening. He lost control of the situation, and he's just about lost control of me.

I won't lie to you... before the transformation, he was not in the best of situations. Humans have a relatively low threshold for pain and blood loss... Any combination of the two as extensive as Remus sustained, and if only a few more hours had passed, he most likely would be dead, taking me with him.

For once, I think he may have been glad to see the moon rise tonight. It's really quite beautiful. I so rarely see it with the sweet freedom which I have been gifted with this night. Remus was too weak to fight me, and without the potion, I proved stronger. The question I initially was faced with concerned what to do with my new found freedom. I was initially tempted to roam the woods this evening in search of prey... it's been so long since Remus allowed me the pleasure of a hunt.

And, just as I was about to embark on what was sure to have been an interesting evening under the shining pearl orb in the clear black skies, I caught a whiff of scent on his cloak. It had lain in shreds around me, stained with our blood and our life essence. It smelled of Remus - the mixture of mint and fear of losing control have a very distinctive smell. But, just at the outer edge of things, I picked up another scent. I recognized it immediately, and my mind was jolted to the possibility of another hunt I might undertake this glorious night... HER.

He had seen her recently, been with her recently, touched her recently. As I concentrated, slowly Remus' scent disappeared, and her scent came over me - lemons. She smelled sweetly of lemons, and a number of other things that mixed together in a pungent scent that could only be defined as so femininely HER.

Remus wants her. I think I've known that longer than he has. He's wanted her for years... Since the day on that beach at the school... since the day he realized she was no longer a child... Since the day he realized that she was a woman suitable to be a mate. And she wants him too. He knows that, but he has done little out of his fear for losing himself to her.

Remus' life would be extraordinarily easier if he just listened to me once in awhile... Or, baring that, if he trusted in himself on occasion. After all, ultimately the choice would be hers. A common mistake in the world of wizards seems to be that many of their kind think the male selects the female for his mate when the exact opposite is true. The female is always the one who accepts the male... the female is the one who marks the male as her own with the bite. The female is the one in control. Remus admits that much to himself, and it scares him so badly that he can't think straight sometimes. He both wants to be chosen and rejected as the same time.

For me, personally, I wouldn't mind Remus being taken as her mate if for nothing other than the fringe benefits. Wolves are monogamous, it's true... But monogamous doesn't mean celibate. Remus' fear of losing control over the years has pushed me to my brink more than once... especially when the red-headed female almost chose him once. Remus let that opportunity slip through his hands to our pack-mate, the stag, out of fear.

If there is anything I can do with my night of freedom, it will be to ensure that the same does not happen again. I will NOT lose her. Fear means little to me. I want HER just as much as he does... while our motives may be different, on the whole, I want what is best for him. And if there is one thing that is best for Remus Lupin, it would be to at least take the chance and give her the opportunity to decide. So much could happen... most of all, we wouldn't be alone anymore. I think I could be content being so suppressed by Remus each month if I knew I wasn't alone. If I knew that I had someone who accepted me for what I was, I think I could be content. And, I honestly think that she would do that if Remus gave her half the chance.

And, so, I will take it upon myself to find her. I don't know if I'll succeed or not. But, I have to try. If only I can find her this evening, I take the final decision from Remus. As he didn't take his potion, even after the transformation in the morning, I still will have enough influence over him to counteract his fear. If he just stopped being afraid, so could happen. So many good things could happen for both of us. She could give Remus the greatest gift anyone has every given him if she accepts him - she could help him to feel.

Remus has led such a sheltered life. He doesn't know that there is more to life than mere existence. He has spent so much time fighting me that sometimes he has forgotten to stop and simply enjoy life. From what I've observed over the years, if it is one thing that humans crave, it seems to be a pleasure that is taken in the simplistic aspects of life.

For example, the moon is beautiful tonight. It hangs low in the sky, so solitary, so alone, but it shines so brightly. I miss seeing its cool beams dance over my flesh on the nights when I am caged by the potion of wizards and the iron bars of man. It's foggy tonight; I can sense a shift in things. The fog clings low to the ground, and the air is heavy about me. It's truly an exhilarating spring evening. If Remus could only take pleasure in these simple charms of life... well, his would be a less desperate existence.

Remus adores her, you know. He adores how she looks, how she thinks, how she reacts to things. All the mundane aspects of what humans define as contributing to the emotion of love, Remus finds them in her. I think a part of him has taken comfort from the knowledge that he not only loves her, but is also *in* love with her. But, a part of him has also been lying to himself. He doesn't want to take responsibility for the stagnation of how things are between them. He blamed their fight on misunderstandings and miscommunications. Never mind that she was right to a certain extent. At one time he felt some of the same things about the red headed girl. True, that's not the current state of things, but I think Remus has had trouble over the years making peace with his feelings over the dead red-headed girl.

If only he could stop and understand, she was never meant to be his. His head knows that, but a part of his heart refuses to not only admit that fact, but more importantly, he hasn't accepted it. That is definitely something we are going to have to work on if she accepts us. The two of us are going to crowd the relationship with *her* enough as is.

He's never going to be rid of me. I think he knows that just as surly as I know I'm never going to be rid of him. But, maybe, just maybe, if I help him in this one thing, we might come to a better understanding of each other. That's another things she can help us with, in accepting us, we might be able to finally start accepting ourselves... We're never going to be able to separate one from the other. We're two sides of the same coin for better (Remus) or worse (Me)... at least as Remus would describe us. That doesn't mean we always have to be fighting each other.

And maybe, just maybe, after things are done, and if *she* accepts us, maybe Remus will see that I'm not always wrong about things, and that sometimes what I want and what he wants aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. We can help each other, and live in harmony as we were meant ,to as that is how things should be.

Or, perhaps he'll keep fighting me. Either way, I will have done my best. I want HER, and I want her now. It's time to see if she wants Remus... if she wants us.

In other words, at least for Remus, it's time to stop being afraid.

What happens next is up to her.

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><p>-TBC-<p> 


	3. Ch 3:A Mother's Words of Wisdom:Andi POV

Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye

By: Lesera128

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Duh.

Summary: A series of one-shots about the life of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place in the universe created in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." Remus/Tonks. AU.

Author's Note: This series of one-shots are best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place just chronologically before, concurrently with, or after the events detailed in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." I wrote these pieces at the same time I began that story in 2005/2006, so it will help if you have read what is written of that story first. As a matter a fact, if you haven't read some of the first few chapters of that story, you will most likely be confused at things referenced I this story.

Fair warning: "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" currently remains uncompleted. It isn't because I have given up on that story, but simply put, after the publication of Order of the Phoenix, a bitter taste developed in my mouth that never went away. I started hating the plot of the series from the death of Sirius forward. So, for the purposes of this story, consider it AU up until the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. Anything that occurs from book #5 forward does not exist in this story's universe with happy, happy, and joyously deliberate intent. I do intend, at some point, to complete the story (there are only two chapters and two epilogues left to write anyway)… I just need to find some motivation.

Negative or snarky comments, flames, or petty jibs will be simply ignored. If you don't like the universe that this series represents, turn back now, for here be dragons. I am posting these series of one-shots more for the sake that they are complete, and some people have been curious as to where the plot of "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" ended up… so, if you are curious, stay tuned to find out….

* * *

><p>Chapter 3 – A Mother's Words of Wisdom (Andromeda POV)<p>

* * *

><p>In some ways, it's been quite interesting watching the two of them from the very beginning. I remember the night she was born, Ted had disappeared to see if he could sneak Sirius out of Gryffindor Tower so that my boisterous young cousin could come and see the baby. I tried to tell him that it wasn't necessary... I was sure that once my cousin heard the news, *he* would find some way to come and meet his newest relative, granting Ted and I some vague form of culpable deniability... and, if he didn't, I knew Dumbledore would make sure he was here at some point.<p>

Merlin, I was tired that night. I think that's one of the things I remember most about that evening, I was just so tired when it was all said and done. But, I was so tired that I had actually gone far past the point where I could fall asleep. The house was alive with this buzzing energy, and I could feel it, even from my bedroom, so I was restless. Exhausted, fatigued, but to use a muggle word… wired. And, to be honest, I was kind of afraid of falling asleep. I thought that if I fell asleep, I wouldn't be able to protect her and something terrible might happen... like her rolling right out of her cradle, onto the floor, and cracking her head open so that she would start bleeding until she was dead.

Through the years, Ted has often said that Nymphadora has inherited her nasty streak of melodramatic behavior from me. I don't know… maybe he is right... maybe the Black blood in me tends to make me lean just the slightest bit towards the melodramatic, but not without good reason.

The Blacks - my family. Or at least, they *were* my family. Except for Sirius, no one else will have anything to do with me since I married Ted. And, now that I 've brought '*this* thing' (Narcissa's description) into world... how was it that my older sister Bella described her niece, one upping little Cissa? Oh, yes... as a 'half-blooded freakish abomination.' Bella always did love her adjectives. But, the one thing she couldn't love was me when I choose to marry a wizard whose blood wasn't considered as pure as the tainted inheritance which flows through my veins... and now, my daughter's.

I was so scared when the mediwitch told me I]d given birth to a daughter. I remember before Nymphadora was born that I had prayed and prayed that the child I carried was a boy... a little boy, just like Ted. My husband is so sweet... so caring... so completely unlike the rest of the members of my family. I thought that by having a little boy, I would be able to say that I had finally beat the curse of the Blacks. I would have broken the spell, ended the cycle that had resulted in so many heartlessly cruel men and women living empty lives century after pure-blooded century.

But then I heard Nymphadora's cry, and the mediwitch told me I had a daughter, and I remember how overwhelming sad I felt for the first few seconds. I remember Ted bringing the baby to me. She was wrapped in a lilac woolen blanket which Ted's mother had knitted for us. The blanket was so soft, the baby had immediately started to fall asleep... but, Ted brought Nymphadora to me so I could nurse her first, and I remember taking the baby in my arms. When I did, for the very first time, she looked up at me with those big blue eyes of hers... And, with a start, I suddenly realized that my daughter had inherited my own eyes, the Black family eyes, to be precise. I remember feeling the tears, which streamed down my cheek as I saw that little girl looking up at me for the very first time… I remember thinking… what heavy burden have I saddled this innocent little soul with? How could I do this to a stranger, let alone my own flesh and blood? Me, who knew better than most, the horrors that the Black legacy carried in the wizarding world… how could I have done this? The tears continued to flow.

When Ted saw me crying, he thought they were tears of joy. I never had the heart to tell him how disappointed I was in my own failure in birthing a girl. I thought that no matter who her father was, a daughter of the Black line would end up being as heartless and soulless a creature as my mother and my sisters were. I didn't know what I would have done if my daughter turned out like that because I had always believed that by marrying Ted, I thought I had at least ensured that *my* children wouldn't suffer the fate of the Black curse.

Gladly, how wrong Nymphadora has proven me….

Now, don't be mistaken. She is just as much a Black as any of her notorious forbearers in some ways. She is inanely stubborn, and when she gets it in her mind that she wants something, well, let's just say I've never seen her fail to acquire her goal eventually. I tried to warn Remus about that a year ago when I first found out about them.

I remember telling him, "Remus, be careful. Sometimes Nymphadora is more of a Black than even Sirius."

Remus, wonderfully understated man that he is, just merely nodded his head and smiled as he said, "Thanks for the warning, Andi."

Either he didn't take me seriously, or he just didn't listen, because despite his gross protestations about marriage, less than six months later, he was my son-in-law.

I've spent the majority of my life trying to figure out exactly what kind of man Remus Lupin is... I know I've always liked him... from the very first time that Sirius brought him to my house, I felt a complete and total warmth radiate from wherever Remus was whenever he was around. He was always so quiet, so polite….

I've never really understood why he and Sirius became friends in the first place. Now, James and Sirius? Their friendship I've always understood - they were like two sides of the same coin, cut from the same bolt of cloth. But, Remus? No, I've never understood it.

Now, Remus and Dora's relationship has never been as large a mystery to me... growing up, Dora never had a lot of role models or friends her own age. For her, Sirius and James and Peter and Remus were a combination of those two groups. After James was killed, and Sirius went to Azkaban, and Peter disappeared, all that was left of her support system was Remus. During those years, the two of them needed each other so very badly… for different reasons, yes. But, the need was the same no matter what the cause. In fact, even looking back, I don't think they could have survived without each other's friendship.

And, now? Well, now, it's much more than that. But the survival aspect, each needing the other to make it through? Well, that's still as true now as it was then… perhaps now more than ever. It's just the way of things, you see.

* * *

><p>-TBC-<p> 


	4. Ch 4:Clearing the Air:Flashback

Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye

By: Lesera128

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Duh.

Summary: A series of one-shots about the life of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place in the universe created in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." Remus/Tonks. AU.

Author's Note: This series of one-shots are best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place just chronologically before, concurrently with, or after the events detailed in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." I wrote these pieces at the same time I began that story in 2005/2006, so it will help if you have read what is written of that story first. As a matter a fact, if you haven't read some of the first few chapters of that story, you will most likely be confused at things referenced I this story.

Fair warning: "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" currently remains uncompleted. It isn't because I have given up on that story, but simply put, after the publication of Order of the Phoenix, a bitter taste developed in my mouth that never went away. I started hating the plot of the series from the death of Sirius forward. So, for the purposes of this story, consider it AU up until the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. Anything that occurs from book #5 forward does not exist in this story's universe with happy, happy, and joyously deliberate intent. I do intend, at some point, to complete the story (there are only two chapters and two epilogues left to write anyway)… I just need to find some motivation.

Negative or snarky comments, flames, or petty jibs will be simply ignored. If you don't like the universe that this series represents, turn back now, for here be dragons. I am posting these series of one-shots more for the sake that they are complete, and some people have been curious as to where the plot of "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" ended up… so, if you are curious, stay tuned to find out….

Please note that this chapter is set in July, 1981 (Harry's 1st Birthday). I am still playing with the timeline just a bit... I know I have previously stated that the Potters were killed when Tonks was in her third year, but for the purposes of the story, it seems to be that it will work better if they were killed in her fifth year. Fortunately, I can play with continuity like this... hopefully, my readers will forgive me in the hopes of making the story more compelling.

* * *

><p>Chapter 4 – Clearing the Air (A Flashback)<p>

* * *

><p>"You don't really like me, do you, Tonks?"<p>

Momentarily caught off guard, Tonks looked up from the glass of lemonade that had seemingly held her attention for last few moments. At Lily's words, she reluctantly looked up over the rim of the glass, and her blue eyes met questioning green eyes.

Lily Evans Potter sat in a lounge chair opposite from Tonks. Both sat under an umbrella, enjoying the languid haze of the late summer afternoon. Lily held a dozing baby Harry in her lap, as he lay propped up against her chest. His head rested just under the spot on her chest where her heart beat steadily. For the baby, at least, all was right with the world.

Tonks, on the other hand, was caught so off kilter by Lily's question, she remained speechless for a moment. As she considered the question, which truly had come from out of the blue, she finally looked up at Lily and decided the best way to probe for the source of the question would be to answer it with one of her own.

"Why would you say that, Lily?"

Lily pursed her lips for a moment before she shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. It's not that you've ever done or said anything discourteous or rude. It's just a feeling I've had... for a good long while, now that I think about it."

"I don't hate you," Tonks said, quickly… a bit too quickly, so some might say it was a bit of a defensive response.

Lily smiled an infuriating calm smile. "I never said you did."

"But -"

"All I said was that I think that you don't like me. That doesn't mean that you hate me, of course, it just means that you don't like me," Lily said, matter-of-factly. "What I can't figure out is… well, to be blunt, how we can move beyond that."

Tonks was silent for a moment. She ran her finger up and down the outside of her lemonade glass, leaving a trail through the beads of condensation, which had gathered in the heat of the July afternoon. The few months that she had off during her summer vacations were among Tonks' most favorite times of the year. She was sixteen, and she normally enjoyed days like today - it was warm, and there was a general peacefulness about the air, even if she was in Godric's Hollow… For, if there was one thing that could be said about Godric's Hollow was that Lily and James Potter's house was not usually described using the adjective 'peaceful'… particularly when more than two of the Marauders were in residence at any given time..

The sounds of a crash were followed by a muffle of curses as Lily and Tonks were both distracted from their conversation. Glancing in the direction of the makeshift Quidditch pitch that James and Sirius had designed, Tonks saw James pummeling Sirius as Sirius was trying to get to Remus. Peter Pettigrew watched on in excited glee as he cheered on James in his efforts.

"Get him, James!"

"Peter, don't encourage him!" Remus yelled.

"Geroff of me, Prongs! Moony is dead no matter what you do! That was an illegal move, and you know it!" Sirius exclaimed.

"It was *NOT* illegal," Remus shouted. "Just because it resulted in you losing the game does *not* mean that the move was illegal."

"He has a point there, Sirius," Peter called.

"Sod off, Peter," Sirius yelled. "Now, I really mean it, James, let me go. Remus is a dead man, and if you don't let me go right now, I'm going to have to do something we'll both regret."

James laughed, highly amused as he shook his head. "I don't think so, Padfoot. But, it is a nice thought. Now, come here!" James shouted, as he took another lunge towards Sirius, who had momentarily slipped free of James' grasp.

Any other two women would have immediately panicked as the four friends engaged in what most normal witches and wizards would consider an all out brawl. However, Tonks and Lily merely sat sipping their lemonade and turned back to their conversation. Harry turned his head in the direction of the raised voices, but remained partially dozing in Lily's lap.

"They're never going to change, are they?" Tonks said with a raised eyebrow.

Lily laughed, "Probably not. But, at least with the four of them working off that that disgusting amount of excessive energy that they all seem to have been gifted with, maybe we'll have a peaceful dinner for once..."

"One can only hope," Tonks chuckled.

A series of sharp barks suddenly pierced the air as Sirius disappeared and had been replaced with the huge bearing of a large black dog.

"I'm warning you, Sirius," James yelled at the dog. "You better leave Remus be or else a really big stag is going to kick your scrawny canine arse..."

Another loud bark, a short yap really, rang out before the dog charged at Remus, who was now beginning to laugh so hard he could hardly run. In another moment, James had disappeared and a stag chased after the dog. Peter remained behind, trailing after his friends, calling out to the other three Marauders for them to wait until he could catch up.

Lily shook her head and shifted baby Harry from her left shoulder to her right. "No, some things never change."

Tonks laughed. "Don't you ever get frustrated with them?"

"Sure," Lily said. "Same as you do. I just know what to expect a bit more than you. Anytime you get the four of them together with brooms on a quidditch pitch with a reason to celebrate, all hell usually can and does break loose. And, considering that this one," Lily gestured at the baby, "... is a year old today, as I said, I knew what to expect."

"But how do you put up with that?" Tonks prodded. "It seems so difficult."

Lily smiled. "Oh, it's not terribly difficult, I promise you. It just looks that way because I've been doing it for so long, which is really my secret trick. You see, I've just had a longer time to get used to each of their personalities and how they interact, so, like I said, I know what to expect... and so will you one day, in the not too distant future, if you're patient enough..."

Tonks looked up at her in confusion, "What do you mean?"

Lily shrugged, "Right now, you interact with the four of them merely as Sirius' baby cousin. That will change when you become Remus' girlfriend."

At Lily's matter-of-fact words, Tonks dropped her glass. While the glass didn't break when it hit the grass, lemonade and ice went everywhere. Tonks felt a knot come into her throat as she swallowed a painful gasp of air before she said.

"Excuse me?" Tonks said.

Lily smiled. "I'm not so blind that I can't see your secret, Tonks, no matter how hard you try to hide it. I know you fancy him." Lily's smile faltered for a split second as she looked away from Tonks and murmured... "Believe me, if there is anyone who knows what that looks like, it would be me."

"But, I'm only sixteen," Tonks said, flabbergasted.

"And Remus is twenty-two," Lily said matter-of-factly.

"He's older than me," Tonks said. "He... I... we..., *that* could never happen."

Lily smiled as she said, "Never is a long time. And, besides, in what… a year? A year and a little more? Then you'll be of age, and then it won't really matter how old he is or how old you are, will it?" She smiled as she said, "Besides, Remus is a very patient man when it concerns something he wants."

She paused before she said, "And, anyway, sometimes, when fate is involved, there's no escaping whatever one's destiny is." She nodded towards the baby as she said, "If that weren't the case, this little one here wouldn't exist, and I would still hate James' guts."

"I don't know what to say," Tonks said at last. She leveled her gaze at Lily. "Why are you telling me all this?"

Lily shrugged, "Well, Remus certainly isn't going to, and since he isn't, somebody has to do it. You need to know these things..."

"What do you mean?" Tonks asked in confusion.

Lily stopped and finally said in carefully measured words. "I think I should preface this by saying, while I know you're still young in a lot of ways, I'm not going to condescend to you and not treat you like an adult. More importantly, even if you don't like me, I *do* like you, Dora. I think you're a wonderful person, and since things didn't work out between Remus and me, I couldn't think of anyone else I would want him to be with, to make him happy. Because, even if he doesn't know *why*yet... you do make him happy. The happiest I ever see him, actually."

Tonks looked at Lily wide-eyed, but remained silent as Lily continued.

"I know I'm probably being a lot more candid with you that you're used to, Dora, especially considering the fact that you have grown up with the four of them as brothers more than anything... But, I just have this *feeling* that there are things I need to tell you now, because if I don't, I get this terrible foreboding sense that I might not ever have another chance, and there are things I need to tell you here and now even if you don't comprehend all of them," Lily said.

She looked off in the direction where Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter had disappeared to, took a breath, and then said. "What happened... or what didn't happen between Remus and I, well, I know you know something about it. I've known for a long time that's the reason why we've never been able to get close… no matter how badly I've wanted to... There aren't a lot of females in the so-called Marauder circle... aside from you and your mum and a couple of others. But, even still, there's no way anyone can argue there is a lot more testosterone in the room with them than estrogen, and truth to be told, I really only like you and your mum out of most of the other girls... but, you've just been a part of their lives for so much longer than I have that I sometimes have resented you…" She stopped, took a breath, then looked at Tonks and smiled. "But, as I've gotten older, the need to acquire female allies against those four hellions has grown stronger, and it's made me want to try harder to be your friend if you'll let me," Lily said.

She was quiet for a moment, a smile trailing off her face as she looked in the direction of the quidditch pitch. She then looked up at Tonks, a renewed seriousness in her voice as she said…. "Anyway, I don't know exactly what you know, and maybe it isn't important. If and when the day comes when you have need of that knowledge, I'm more than certain Remus will tell you what you need to know, and even if he doesn't, I want you to know that you can always come to me." Lily smiled, "I promise, anything I can answer for you I will so long as Remus is okay with it."

Narrowing her eyes, Lily winked and said, "And maybe even if he isn't, so long as it stays between us."

It was at that moment that baby Harry stopped dozing and looked up at his mother. He scrunched his face in a look of unhappiness and began to whimper. As he started to cry, Lily looked at Tonks and said, "Listen, Tonks... I'm not telling you all this because I expect anything back. After you've had some time to think about it, if you want to talk again…. and maybe even try to be friends? Well, I think I'd like that... a lot… But, if not, that's okay too. Just know that you're always welcome here, and if there is anything I can do for you, all you have to do is ask."

Harry was really crying, and Lily frowned as she sniffed the air. "Hmmm, the birthday boy has a dirty nappie, I think."

Tonks sat as Lily got up and moved to take the baby inside. "I'll be right back, okay?"

Tonks nodded mutely as Lily disappeared. She was in shock as Lily's words sunk in, and Tonks only seemed to be able to process the fact that if Lily knew her secret than who else did? Because, if Remus did, or Merlin- what about Sirius? If any of them knew, Tonks knew she would just curl up and die.

Tonks wasn't sure to be relived or angry now that merry angel Lily had seemingly absolved Tonks of her sole reason for hating Lily and simultaneously claimed the role of good samaritan. At last, Tonks settled for stunned and righteous anger as she began to fume before she heard a voice call to her softly.

"One day, Dora, you're going to look up and wonder when you stopped doubting yourself and what people who love you tell you, and when you do, you'll know such a passionate pleasure that there is really no fit description for it," Lily said. She had stopped midway between the lawn chairs and the patio door. "You just have to believe in yourself... and have trust... faith, if you will, even if you don't know why you have that faith in the first place," she added with a smile.

And, though the pair never again spoke of their conversation, Lily's confusing and infuriatingly wise words stayed with Tonks even as she resentfully muttered under her breath, "Maybe I wouldn't have to believe in myself if you weren't so bloody perfect…."

Although she was too young to understand much of the wisdom that Lily had imparted to her on that July day at the time, just as Lily had predicted, one day Tonks would stop doubting herself. And, on that day, her unfinished business with Remus Lupin would finally be concluded… for better or worse.

And, on that day, from wherever she was, Lily Evans Potter looked down as she smiled and murmured to herself, "I told you so."

* * *

><p>-TBC-<p> 


	5. Ch 5:Never Had the Chance:Tonks POV

Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye

By: Lesera128

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Duh.

Summary: A series of one-shots about the life of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place in the universe created in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." Remus/Tonks. AU.

Author's Note: This series of one-shots are best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place just chronologically before, concurrently with, or after the events detailed in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." I wrote these pieces at the same time I began that story in 2005/2006, so it will help if you have read what is written of that story first. As a matter a fact, if you haven't read some of the first few chapters of that story, you will most likely be confused at things referenced I this story.

Fair warning: "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" currently remains uncompleted. It isn't because I have given up on that story, but simply put, after the publication of Order of the Phoenix, a bitter taste developed in my mouth that never went away. I started hating the plot of the series from the death of Sirius forward. So, for the purposes of this story, consider it AU up until the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. Anything that occurs from book #5 forward does not exist in this story's universe with happy, happy, and joyously deliberate intent. I do intend, at some point, to complete the story (there are only two chapters and two epilogues left to write anyway)… I just need to find some motivation.

Negative or snarky comments, flames, or petty jibs will be simply ignored. If you don't like the universe that this series represents, turn back now, for here be dragons. I am posting these series of one-shots more for the sake that they are complete, and some people have been curious as to where the plot of "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" ended up… so, if you are curious, stay tuned to find out….

* * *

><p>Chapter 5 – Never Had the Chance (Tonks' POV)<p>

* * *

><p>There have only been two things in my life that I was ever really scared about. The second is easier to explain then the first, so I guess I'll start there. The spring and summer after I turned eleven, I was scared out of my mind that I wouldn't get a letter from Hogwarts. Never mind that I had always dreamed of the day when I would get the chance to be like Mum, and Da, and Remus and sit in that Great Hall and put that old, stupid, smelly hat on and be proclaimed a Gryffindor. No, there was this tiny, insecure part of me that feared I hadn't been accepted at Hogwarts. Despite the lineage of my mother's infamous house, and despite the power and talent of my Da as a wizard, I feared that I didn't have enough magic in me to warrant getting a Hogwarts' letter. I was scared I wouldn't get the chance to go to Hogwarts and do great things, because believe me, I knew if I could get my foot in the door, I just knew that what I could accomplish would be great - if only I was given the chance.<p>

I have to tell you, the morning I saw that huge brown barn owl, I started crying for the first time in public in three years. I scared the bloody hell out of my Mum. But, they were tears of happiness… for once I wasn't crying because I was sad or in pain.

No, I *had* received my Hogwarts' letter... I got my chance. Unlike the first thing which scared me so badly in life, at least at Hogwarts I would be given the chance to succeed in great acclaim or fail in abject misery… but, still, the outcome would be because of my choices and actions. On the other hand, the other thing that I was scared of in life... and, to be quite honest, the first thing is something I am still scared about… well, a lot of that fear stemmed from the fact that I know I will never get a chance to leave this level of limbo I've feel I've been in since I learned what that bloody word meant… 'perpetual hell'… an apt descriptor for my sentiments on the circumstances following the first situation….

You see, I'm scared I am never going to get the chance to love the man who will be the only person in this world who ever will mean anything to me. I am frightened each and every day that I wake up that I'll never find a cure for being in love with the person I've known since the day I was born. Remus Lupin will never be in love with me. I know that. At least the logical, rational part of my adult brain knows that….

But, *why*?

After all, what's there not to love about me? I'm fun, I'm smart, I'm a Metamorphmagus for crying out loud…. that alone is usually enough to at least get me a first date. But, none of that matters with Remus… because, well, he can never love me because he loves someone else. He always has, and he always will. There's just not enough room left in his heart for me. I know that, truly I do… despite how painful it is to admit it. Painful, and complicated. Yes, it's a bit complicated, but I'll try to explain.

Despite how complicated I sometimes make life, I do really tend to prefer a non-stress, no complications, simple way of living. So, it probably wasn't the best idea for me to become an Auror if I didn't want a stressful life, but so what? I seem to have this knack for coming up with ideas that usually sound great before I really think about things, but by the time I get into the middle of carrying out my idea... well, usually it turns into some type of disaster. I am half-Black, after all. It's just what my Mum's family does, or so I've been told.

It makes me wonder if coming here was such a great idea. Initially, when I came up with the idea, it sounded like it could be really cathartic. In a roundabout way, I sort of ended up with the idea from Harry. He adores you and James, you know that, Lily? He can't even remember you... well, not the parts worth remembering, anyway. He still holds you so tightly in his heart that sometimes it seems like he is making himself bleed. Right before we took him back to Hogwarts for the start of spring term, I caught him in one of those moments. You know the ones where he is all sad, and brooding, and introspective? I couldn't help myself when I asked what was wrong. I didn't want to set him off again - he's been sort of touchy since he found out about the Order. But, Harry is constantly surprising me because he actually looked up and said, "Oh, nothing, Tonks. I was just thinking about my Mum and my Dad."

It was the beginning of a great conversation. And, when we were done talking, he took this small picture out of his pocket and showed it to me. It's one that I should be quite familiar with since it was one that Remus took on your graduation day. I've seen it before, but this copy of it was different... You could tell that Harry used it and your images helped him. I handed it back to him with a smile, which is when he said, "Sometimes, Tonks, I find that the best people to talk to when I have a problem I need to work out are people who can and won't talk back."

He smiled James' smile at me, and we were on our way. But not before he planted this idea in my head. I really don't know Harry all that well, although I want to more than just about anything else. But, I want to know him as *Harry* - not the Boy Who Lived or even as James and/or Lily's little boy. I'll be the first to admit that, at times, he really is more like you and James (in different aspects, of course) than most people care to admit. I suppose because he looks like James, everyone is so quick to point out those similarities. But, if they really looked closely, they would see that Harry has your heart. Don't hold this against me, but if anyone should know that point very, very well… well, except for maybe Remus, it's me. After all, one doesn't spend the years I did hating you without coming to know their enemy just a bit.

All right, maybe that is a bit harsh. Now that I've grown up, I don't hate you. I know what happened between you and Remus is your business and none of my own... that's what the logical, adult part of my brain says anyway. But, I can't help it sometimes when I regress into that eight-year old on her birthday with tear streaked cheeks and grass stains on her new Easter dress. You see, I was here first. I knew Remus first. He was *MINE*. Maybe I didn't know it at the time, but he was mine, and you stole him from me.

I guess that in a lot of ways my life would be a whole lot less complicated if I hadn't seen and heard that conversation between you and Remus that one day. But, I did hear it and in a lot of ways it screwed me up pretty badly - more so than I'd like to admit to just about anyone, but you since I know that you won't go and run to tell Remus, or Merlin forbid, Sirius about this whole... this whole *THING*.

Yeah, Sirius finding out about this whole damn mess is the last thing if I want to have any type of peace in my life. If he finds out... well, we both know why he turns into that big black dog when he's in his animagus form, don't we? Just can't let things drop, that one... *EVER*.

I've been wanting to come and see you for sometime, Lily. But, I was unsure if I was strong enough to do this. After all, I didn't want this trip (which is supposed to be therapeutic for me) turn into a huge mess. Sometimes, I am as clumsy in my actions as I am when I walk. Not all the time, but often. Sometimes my logic has never been, as my Da would say, on par with that of Socrates and Plato... or even Jack Handy. But, that is my Da for you... weird Muggleisms are just his thing. Normally, they aren't too bad, but even I get a bit annoyed when he starts adopting life mantras from obscure characters on American television shows.

It's ironic, but I have a tendency to be quite forgetful when it comes to memories and the details of my childhood. I once thought it was because I had a bad memory, but as I grew older, I finally owned up to the fact that it was easier to pretend to forget then to try and deal with things straight-out.

I haven't been back here to Godric's Hollow since the day of the funeral. It was too painful for me. I was only in my fifth-year and not quite sure how to deal with the death of my one-time rival. I felt guilty, you see... guilty that you were gone, and that you had taken Remus' heart with you. In some ways, it feels like Remus is buried here, too. He's not the same man he was when you were alive, Lily. He's alone, and he's always isolated. Even when he's there with you, he isn't there really. He doesn't feel things anymore. I don't think he has the capability, because I can't imagine he'd make the voluntary choice to stop feeling. Either way, I can never get close to him, no matter how hard I try, and I think the reason is because the part of him I am trying to get close to is still buried here with you.

And, because of that, there is a part of me that will never be whole. I can never be with him because I can't compete with you now, Lily. Since you died, you've become this… this idealized memory for Remus. I just can't compete with that... although, I would be lying if I said it's not like I wouldn't like to at least have a go at it and just *try*…. I think if you were alive today, I could give you an honest run for your money. At least, Tonks could.

No, I haven't gone nutters by referring to myself in the royal-we. There is a reason I always differentiate between Tonks and Dora. Bet you never know that, hmmm? But, the truth is... well, let's just say, that I sometimes feel like I'm two different people living in one body.

There's this one person who is the adult Auror - confident, a bit clumsy, but over all ,not too bad a girl to have at your back. That person - Tonks, is a creation in a lot of ways. It's who I always wanted to be - not too serious, always laughing, a good friend. In a word, uncomplicated. And, most importantly of all, Tonks is someone who never fell in love with Remus Lupin. To Tonks, Remus Lupin is someone she cares about merely as a very old and close family friend. He's a brilliant wizard, and one of the most dedicated members of the Order. True, he's a man who is a bit odd when it comes to his fashion sense and taste in music, but, overall, he's someone who has a good heart. She loves him as a friend, but he's never been anything more.

Then, well, then there is Dora. Dora is the little girl that Remus held in her arms the night she was born. Dora is the one he bought Marie as a birthday gift for... and to this day, Dora keeps that bloody doll in a box under her bed. Dora is the little girl who overheard Remus tell you that he would always love you on an Easter Sunday when she was seven. Dora is the little girl who cried herself to sleep that afternoon and many days afterwards because she knew she had lost HER Remy to a red-headed interloper. Dora is the one who didn't get her first kiss until she was sixteen because she was still pining for Remus. Dora is the one that still hasn't lost IT because in the back of her mind, there is this pitiful hope that somehow things might just work out between Remus and her. Then again, Dora is the one that still cries at night when she is alone and nobody is around. Dora is the wounded little girl who feels like a part of her was ripped out when she heard Remus tell you he loved you, Lily. Dora is the one who's still bleeding and feels like she'll never stop… she's the one who feels like she'll never heal from that wound. Dora is the one who is always trying to hide... the one who realized the only way to stay safe is to keep that part of her, that part that is really and truly representative of what is at her core, alone and isolated.

So, since Dora is doing the same thing as Remus, I suppose in a way I can't really blame him. But, then again, Remus will be alone for the rest of his life by choice. Dora will be alone for the rest of her life because her love for Remus has imprisoned her in a hell of her own making, a place of loneliness and solitude where fear dominates her destiny.

Positive image, isn't it, Lily? Now, do you understand why I created Tonks? Now, do you understand that the only way Dora can survive is if she hides behind the Auror with spiky pink hair? Of course you do. But, here is the million galleon question. How much control does Tonks have over Dora... or is Dora the one pulling the strings? Interesting question, isn't it? I've never really thought about it too much myself. But, I can tell you this. There's a reason Tonks has become known for favoring bubble gum pink hair over the years. Can you guess the reason why?

No?

All right, then... I'll share just this once. Pink is a color that you never looked good in, Lily. You never wore it because it clashed with your hair. As a matter of fact, pink was so not you that it seemed only natural that Tonks would adopt it as her own... even if Dora was the one who suggested it.

Fucked up, isn't it?

The sun's setting, and I can feel it getting colder… which is surprising, as today's weather was quite mild. It actually was a beautiful day, all things considered. January has never been known for its beauty, though, right? Grays and bleakness and wastelands... now, there's proper imagery for January. But, today was warm. And there wasn't any snow. Maybe that means spring is on its way early this year….

Maybe spring will mean something new for me this year. Maybe... maybe I'll be able to put Dora to rest once and for all this spring. Maybe I will finally be able to stick her in that box with Marie under my bed… metaphorically speaking, of course.

After all, things are getting just a bit tense at Grimmauld Place. I've never been around Remus so much, and Dumbledore always pairing us for missions isn't helping things….

Tonks can keep a hold on Dora so long as she doesn't have to do it 24/7. But, I would be lying, Lily, if I said I didn't worry what might happens when Dora stops feeling sad for herself and gets good and pissed off. Then she might do something we'll both regret. As I said, Dora has a tendency to act irrationally and impulsively. That's why Tonks spends a fair bit of time alone, despite what people think. Tonks spends a lot of time alone, thinking and pondering how she got into this mess.

I can hear you in my head, Lily. I know what you're thinking. Where did an eight-year get it into her head that Remus Lupin belonged to her? Where did these entitlement issues come from? By what right does she play the wounded party, angry and hurt, when no one told her to go and fall in love with Remus?

Interesting questions all, and as Tonks, I can say I don't really have an answer. But, as Dora... well, Dora believes more in destiny and fate than Tonks does. Dora knows that Remus was hers... always has been and always will be despite what some red-headed interloper with an annoying laugh thinks even now….

See, there's that anger again. One of Dora's true faults is that she has too much anger - a result of feeling things too passionately, no doubt. Yes, Dora's anger is going to get us both into trouble one of these days. She is definitely going to go and do something, and, if that happens, I have no idea what will happen except that it will involve more hurt and more pain and heartache. Because, as long as Dora loves Remus, and as long as he loves you, that's all there can be for Dora. Sad, but true... and, all because I never really had the chance to make a go of things with Remus. I honestly think that if I had had the chance, things could have turned out differently. But, at eight, I just didn't know how to fight for what not only what I needed, but what I wanted. Eight-year-olds don't know those type of things anyway, right?

But, now, it's too late. And I'm alone. But, at least you know now, Lily. Even if I never breathe a word of this to anybody else (especially Sirius!) at least someone knows…. And, a part of me is glad it's you. It seems fitting somehow. Although, I would be lying if I didn't say a part of me still would like to know why one day. I would like Remus to answer the question as to why it is always you… always you, and never me. Yes, I think he owes me that answer, at least…..

But, overall, I do feel better, a little bit. I guess Harry was right. The best way to deal with my problem was to talk to someone who couldn't speak back... even if it was you.

* * *

><p>-TBC-<p> 


	6. Ch 6:Formerly Melodramatic Me:Tonks POV

Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye

By: Lesera128

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Duh.

Summary: A series of one-shots about the life of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place in the universe created in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." Remus/Tonks. AU.

Author's Note: This series of one-shots are best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place just chronologically before, concurrently with, or after the events detailed in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." I wrote these pieces at the same time I began that story in 2005/2006, so it will help if you have read what is written of that story first. As a matter a fact, if you haven't read some of the first few chapters of that story, you will most likely be confused at things referenced I this story.

Fair warning: "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" currently remains uncompleted. It isn't because I have given up on that story, but simply put, after the publication of Order of the Phoenix, a bitter taste developed in my mouth that never went away. I started hating the plot of the series from the death of Sirius forward. So, for the purposes of this story, consider it AU up until the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. Anything that occurs from book #5 forward does not exist in this story's universe with happy, happy, and joyously deliberate intent. I do intend, at some point, to complete the story (there are only two chapters and two epilogues left to write anyway)… I just need to find some motivation.

Negative or snarky comments, flames, or petty jibs will be simply ignored. If you don't like the universe that this series represents, turn back now, for here be dragons. I am posting these series of one-shots more for the sake that they are complete, and some people have been curious as to where the plot of "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" ended up… so, if you are curious, stay tuned to find out….

* * *

><p>Chapter 6 – Formerly Melodramatic Me (Tonks' POV)<p>

* * *

><p>You know what Lily, if there is one thing I didn't really want to do, it was come back here. I would be lying if I said that graveyards didn't creep me out just a tad. But, if there were two things I really didn't want to do, it was to come to a graveyard *AND* tell you that you were right.<p>

But, I've always been one to own up when I'm wrong… so very, very wrong… so, I'll just come straight out and say it... Lily, you were right.

Sirius was right, too, but there is no way in bloody hell I'm going to tell him that. His ego's big enough as is.

I suppose almost losing Remus was enough to make me face my fears and grow up. I once accused Remus of being too scared to act, too frightened to do anything. I suppose I should have known then that something was wrong with me because I was accusing him of the very thing of which I was guilty... okay, let me amend that by saying it was something we were *both* scared of facing.

Remus, as I'm sure you'll remember, has never been one to just jump into something and take a risk without carefully weighing all his options, assessing all the potential outcomes and consequences. As for me, well, where he's concerned, I've never been what you might call the spontaneous type… but, it's not like we just made the decision on the spur of the moment… some of our friends would say we've been jumping down this particular path for six or seven years now, so it's not like our choice simply appeared out of thin air or anything... and, once we did make the choice, made the commitment to see where things would go.

Well, it was wonderful. Scary? Yup. Exciting? The biggest thrill I've ever had. Fulfilling…. Hmmph. Most definitely… in more ways then one. If you can see me now, maybe my smirk is giving me away… but, now that I think about it, if that's true, Merlin, I only hope that you all weren't watching *then*. Not that the idea of being an exhibitionist doesn't appeal to me a bit, but, somehow, I think it might throw Remus off a bit if he knew that you and James were watching when he was being so creative with his...

Hmmmm... Enough of that, I suppose.

But, like I said, you were right. I was being childish and immature. For some reason, I was oblivious to the fact that what I heard as a child might not necessarily have applied to Remus' feelings once I became an adult.

Poor melodramatic me, I suppose. Then again, I guess I would still be lying if I didn't also admit that a small part of me thrives on melodrama… of a sort. There's a reason why Sirius and James always thought I should have been an actress if they whole Auror thing didn't work out. I'm an emotionally passionate creature, for better or worse... It's just been learning to deal with that passion that's been the trick.

Remus helps, I think. When I'm with him, trite as it sounds, I feel more complete. I think, it's because, in a way, he helps keep me on a more even keel. I bring him a bit closer to the edge, and he keeps me from taking a diving leap off the cliff, lest I end up pissed drunk on Sirius' doorstep again. Of course, when Remus found out about that, he did add the stipulation that as long as I ended up on *his* doorstep pissed drunk, and preferably in as little clothing as possible, it might not be such bad a thing.

He's a bit of a cheeky bloke, isn't he, Lily? But, then again you've always known that, haven't you?

So, here's a question I have for you, Lily... Remus says that he'd never seen you happier than the time you spent with James. For a long while, I didn't believe him. I thought I knew better. Yes, I hate to admit it, but I think I inherited the obnoxious, overbearing sense of Black arrogance from my mum. It's probably not one of my better personality attributes, but as Remus says, you have to take the good with the bad. I can see now why you would have been so happy with James because while you loved Remus, I am guessing that you weren't in love with him - hence my question... why is it easier to smile when you love somebody, but, most importantly when you also realize that you're in love with that person?

Remus is my best friend, and I've loved him longer than I can remember. To me, being in love with Remus has always been a constant in life... My mum loves my da. Constant. My mum hates her family, and they hate her. Constant. My da has this weird thing for muggle pop culture. Constant. I'm clumsy. Constant. I've always been loved by my family and friends. Constant. And Remus? Well, he's always been there… and, I know now, will always be there. Constant. I'll grant you that the paradigm of my life has done some shifting in recent months, but the constant has remained the same. And, to be honest, I've been more happy these past few months than I would have thought possible.

I'll tell you, I wake up every day and thank Merlin and all deities, fact and fictitious, for bringing him into my life and letting the two of us love each other as we do. I am so grateful, I can't stand it sometimes. I hate being indebted to anyone or anything, but for Remus, I'm willing to make an exception.

But, I also have to own up to the fact that I wake up every day scared that the other shoe is going to drop. I think Remus gets frustrated with me at times because of that... the constant need for him to reassure me gets old, I think. I mean, I try to hide my fear from him, but, the only thing is… he knows me well enough to know not only that I'm hiding something, but the things I'm usually trying to hide (usually quite poorly) are those very things that scare me to death.

He's only lost his temper with me that one time right before I went and got pissed with fire whiskey... and I think I pushed both of us too far to reach that point that night. But, just because he doesn't get angry with me doesn't mean he doesn't get frustrated with me. Merlin, those first few weeks after he came back… those were a rollercoaster of up and down, fast and faster, steady and unsure. After we both stopped being afraid for one night… a night when we both had some of the most out of control moments we've ever felt in my life... well, it was a lot to deal with emotionally and mentally. I'm surprised neither one of us went on a three month sabbatical to recover from the exhaustion of it. Still, I think I can deal with my fear of losing control, and the fact that I lost control that night, because I don't dwell on things… or, at least, I try not to... for Remus, well, for him, it's quite different. Being out of control both scares and excites him, and I think I represent that to him in an unnaturally vibrant personification of his feelings. I know that sometimes when he gets short with me, he is getting short with himself because of that frustration and fear. And, then there are the times when he generally is irked with me, and he has this annoying way of just chalking it up to my age… my age, and what he calls my 'delightfully youthful inexperience.' I think that may be the professor in him talking, and I would be lying if I didn't find Professor Lupin damn sexy when he's not being so condescending, but still, it's his way of dealing, and I'm not certain what to make of it even though I try not to let it get to me.

He's thinking about taking up Dumbledore's offer to teach at Hogwarts again... of course, if he does, Lily, I have no idea how I am going to think of excuses to go up to Hogsmeade unannounced, because I'll let you in on another little secret of mine since you're so great at keeping them - I've had fantasies about him and that ruddy classroom of his. What I wouldn't give to dress up in my old Gryffindor uniform and serve detention with Professor Lupin. The only detriment to the idea would hinge on the question as to if house alumni can lose current house students points. I wouldn't want to jinx Harry's chances at the House Cup by being caught by someone, especially someone like that wanker Snape, just as I was persuasively demonstrating to Professor Lupin why I shouldn't be compelled to serve my detention. Remus' creativity knows no bounds when he is properly stimulated... and, Merlin, what I wouldn't give to properly stimulate him. I have always pictured something involving his desk, and that new wand of his...

Of course, if any one walked in on us, I think Remus might handle it better than I would. Sirius was right about another thing - there was a *LOT* I didn't know about Remus (and still don't, to be quite honest – I'm learning new things every day); he's actually not as bashful as I thought. So long as his control-freak tendencies don't get in the way, it's very easy to see why James and Sirius let him in as one of the Marauders. He's got this knack for charms - which I have a nasty feeling he may have perfected during adventures with you during your times at Hogwarts, but I 'm not really sure. At least, what he's demonstrated to me so far seems to indicate that he's quite adept at Charms. Let me tell you, I've been through advanced Auror training, and I've never seen a Tickling Charm used like he did that one night...

I'll spare you the imagery. Suffice to say, he needs to suffer major payback. And, I think that satisfying some of those exhibitionist inclinations that Sirius put into my head wouldn't be such a bad idea.

Then again, while Remus taking the job at Hogwarts might be great for helping to fulfill a few of the more interesting sexual experiments I've wanted to try, I can imagine that it might ultimately cause Remus enough embarrassment whereas to end all chances of him having a respectable career in teaching. Although, considering the fact that Dumbledore has already walked in on us once, and merely made a polite suggestion that, in the end, did make quite a lot of sense… and ended up being quite useful once we got over the shock of it, I can't imagine it would be that bad.

Hmmm... I wonder if the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom is in the same place? The idea merits further though as it definitely has possibilities...

I'm sure that if you and James were here you would be able to convince Remus in a minute to take the job. I have a spot of trouble getting him to agree to things when he really doesn't want to do something... He's as stubborn tosser sometimes! But, you know that don't you, Lily? You probably know a lot more about Remus than I do right now. Granted, I am learning a bit more day by day as I said, but even still, there is so much I don't know about him, and come to think of it, there is still so much I don't know about you... and, more specifically, you and him. And, since you went and died on me, it's not like I can take you up on that offer that you made the afternoon of Harry's first birthday? Do you remember? The one when you told me that you would answer any questions I had about you and Remus as long as Remus said it was okay…. and, then, maybe even if he didn't? Because, I do… it's a conversation I am going to regret until my dying day, Lily. Lost opportunities…. They suck so bloody badly.

Did you know that we've never actually talked about you aside from *that* NIGHT... I'm not sure he was ready to talk, and I know I wasn't ready to hear, but for us to move forward, we had to finish the conversation that we had started before he left. There was no moving forward until that conversation, and I think Remus knew that. So, we… errm, we talked…although, now that I think about it, it was more like yelling… there was a *lot* of arguing that night. But, in the end, things all worked out eventually, didn't they?

I keep thinking back to that summer day right after Harry was born and you once told me, "One day, Dora, you're going to look up and wonder when you stopped doubting yourself and what people who love you tell you, and when you do, you'll know such a passionate pleasure that there is really no fit description for it. You just have to believe in yourself."

Again, I hate to admit it, but you were right, Lily. Remus brings me enough security and strength so that I believe in myself. What I feel when I'm with him, I can't describe it. But, like I said, I'm happy... I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.

I just don't want to lose it. I am afraid of losing it, and losing him, because if I do lose Remus, I don't think I'll be able to take it. Remus has helped me to merge Dora and Tonks for the first time in my life - the best of both worlds. I feel comfortable enough as Dora to live up to my potential as Tonks when I'm with him. I've even stopped wearing my hair as pink. Remus has never asked why, but I know, and that's enough for me. But, if I lost him - well, I was almost destroyed the night I thought he was lost in the raid on the Death Eaters. And, then, when he tried to reject me out of fear, when he tried to push me away so soon after reaching out to me, he almost destroyed me.

I can't go through that again.

I won't.

But, maybe I won't have to. He's so good to me, Lily. He's any and everything I've ever wanted in life. I love him; even though I've never actually said the words to him, I think he knows. We couldn't do what we've done, gone where we've gone, felt what we've felt, and come back again and *not* been in love, right? It's just not a possibility. I don't know... Do you have an answer to this one, Lily? Is what I have with Remus love? Because, if it isn't, I can't stand to think of what I might be missing, because when I'm with Remus, things are good… so good. Too good?

I love him, Lily. I love him more than my own life. So, let's make a deal, shall we? You help me not to mess this up, and I promise... I promise I'll do whatever it is that you want me to... Anything. You name it, all right? Please just don't let me muck things up because, like I said. I can't lose him. I can't go back to how things were before... how *we* were before... how *I* was before.

I won't.

And, maybe, just maybe if I keep things on an even keel with Remus, I won't have to come back here again. No offense, Lily, but I much prefer spending time with the living as opposed to spending time with the dead.

Death... Remus has suffered so much loss in his life. If there is one thing I'm going to promise him, it's that he won't lose anyone or anything he loves anymore... No, instead I want him to start gaining.

I don't think I even knew it until just this minute, but I want to have a baby, Lily. Soon. And not just anybody's baby... I want to have his child... I want to carry Remus' baby, and I want to give it life... I love Remus that much. I want there to be an indelible piece of evidence on this earth long after I'm gone that Remus and I were once here and that I loved him and he loved me and we loved each other, and our love lived on forever in our children, because even if we're gone, our love is immortal. But, then again, I'm preaching to the choir, aren't I?

That's why you had Harry when you did, wasn't it? Because of how you felt about James?

I understand that now. We've talked about it briefly... I know Remus wants children, but he is hesitant... He claims there are too many complications... His age, my age, his lycanthropy, my work...

But, I don't care. I'm going to do this for him one day. I don't know when or how, but it's a gift I want to give him more than anything... because, well, not to be redundant, but I love him.

It all comes down to that in the end, doesn't it?

But, then again, you already knew that, because you're right, Lily. You're always right. But, now, I am beginning to realize that in the end it really doesn't matter all that much.

Maybe I am growing up after all.

What a shame... because, sometimes, just sometimes, it was great fun (always interesting, never dull!) being *formerly* melodramatic me.

* * *

><p>-TBC-<p> 


	7. Ch 7:Meeting Again:Flashforward 1

Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye

By: Lesera128

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Duh.

Summary: A series of one-shots about the life of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place in the universe created in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." Remus/Tonks. AU.

Author's Note: This series of one-shots are best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place just chronologically before, concurrently with, or after the events detailed in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." I wrote these pieces at the same time I began that story in 2005/2006, so it will help if you have read what is written of that story first. As a matter a fact, if you haven't read some of the first few chapters of that story, you will most likely be confused at things referenced I this story.

Fair warning: "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" currently remains uncompleted. It isn't because I have given up on that story, but simply put, after the publication of Order of the Phoenix, a bitter taste developed in my mouth that never went away. I started hating the plot of the series from the death of Sirius forward. So, for the purposes of this story, consider it AU up until the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. Anything that occurs from book #5 forward does not exist in this story's universe with happy, happy, and joyously deliberate intent. I do intend, at some point, to complete the story (there are only two chapters and two epilogues left to write anyway)… I just need to find some motivation.

I will offer this brief insight since a few people have asked me via private message what I meant by the above usual comments. So, here it is in a nutshell. I based this story on my interpretations of Remus' and Tonks' characterizations up through the first half of Order of the Phoenix. Then the last two books came out, and they sucked very, very bad. The movies echoed this in their casting of certain characters… not that I have any problem with actors like Gary Oldman or David Thewlis, for example, but the Sirius, Remus, and Tonks of the movies were not like how I pictured them in any way, shape, or form. The characters of the movies (and last two books) just didn't feel right. Sirius lost his sense of humor, charm, and nobility. Remus lost his strength, tenacity, and depth (he never, ever should have approached being as wishy-washy as he turned out), and I failed to see any of the noble complexity and classiness in Tonks that was hinted at in OOTP. I was surfing YouTube a few days ago, and if you search for the user LeaLPotter and for her mvid "The Story of Remus Lupin II – Nymphadora Tonks" that is a much closer representation of what I think spot on characterizations of the likes of Remus and Tonks can be. There. Done. Enough said. On with the show.

Negative or snarky comments, flames, or petty jibs will be simply ignored. If you don't like the universe that this series represents, turn back now, for here be dragons. I am posting these series of one-shots more for the sake that they are complete, and some people have been curious as to where the plot of "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" ended up… so, if you are curious, stay tuned to find out….

* * *

><p>Chapter 7 – Meeting Again (Flashforward 1)<p>

* * *

><p>It had been a long day, and Remus was tired. He'd too much on his mind, and for some reason, Tonks was being unusually clingy as of late suspected that it might have something to do with the approaching full moon - it was less than a week away, and he was beginning to feel its effects already. He considered his options. He was unsure how to toe the line between losing his temper in an uncharacteristic yelling match to wanting to take her and throw her up against a wall and proceed to show her just why it can be both a very good idea and a very bad idea to bait a werewolf as the moon is waxing.<p>

While the later scenario did have some appeal, Remus eventually decided that neither option represented the best possible outcome. The pair were still working on establishing the boundaries of their new relationship. Much to the wolf's chagrin, Remus had only slept with Tonks during the first week of their new found intimacy. After that, Remus wised up, got scared, pulled back, and tried to analyze his actions of the previous week to death. It wasn't that he didn't want to... it was just that she was too important to him for him to do anything that might muck things up. So, Remus had taken to avoiding Tonks when it came to issues of physical intimacy - it hadn't been difficult considering the fact that she was working odd hours at the Ministry and their shifts in the Order had been increased. As long as Remus ensured that they weren't paired together on watch at least for the next week, he ventured a guess that things might get back to normal enough for him to properly woo Tonks as Remus thought she deserved to be courted.

What Remus hadn't counted on was the wolf's growing frustration with Remus' self-imposed abstinence. It wasn't easy taking away water from a thirsty man, and in the wolf's opinion, Remus had been walking in the Sahara desert without a canteen for decades. Tonks was the water, and the wolf was thirsty. Using the best of his abilities to clamp down on his more bestial urges, Remus felt as if his head were almost ready to explode from information overload. Thus, he had taken refuge in the library at Grimmauld Place in an attempt to distract himself with a task that required the use of only his eyes and his brain… and no other body parts.

"Thirteen letters across, a curse which results in the victim's doing a crazy dance," Remus muttered softly. "This is too easy..."

The door to the library suddenly flew open. Remus looked up, mildly startled, but displayed none of his surprise as Mad-Eye Moody clunked his way into the room.

"What's so easy?" Mad-Eye grumbled.

Remus shrugged, "Oh, just this Quibbler crossword. Every curse they use is so easy to identify. T-A-R-A-N-T-A-L-L-E-G-R-A."

Pausing, Remus noticed that Mad-Eye was carrying a large, scroll of parchment. "So what brings you here so late at night, Mad-Eye?"

"This," Moody said shoving the scroll at Remus. "Tonks has been playing finger paints again during her lunch break, and Kingsley said if she didn't get her 'artwork' out of the office, well, let's just say he was going to have me do something that would no doubt annoy Tonks given the latest round of her artistic efforts."

"Efforts?" Remus asked as he unrolled the scroll. As soon as he saw the flash of pink, he sighed. "Again?"

Technically, Remus hadn't seen Tonks in nearly three days straight. The first day came and went without so much as an acknowledgment that the status quo had changed in their relationship.

On the second day, Tonks had tried her damnedest to find Remus, but the werewolf had proven more wily than the auror and had avoided her by accompanying Dumbledore to Hogwarts for a chat about possibly taking a job when term started in September. Remus was excited about the idea of teaching again, and he thought that given the current political atmosphere, there really wasn't any reason for him not to take the job teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts. Aside from the fact that Remus wanted to be there for Harry as he began his NEWT courses, Remus also luxuriated in the idea of being able to have enough regular, disposable income to treat Tonks to whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. Yes, the idea had merits...

But, his unexpected trip to Hogsmeade had resulted in Tonks nearly being beside herself with angst as she tried to figure out what she had done wrong and how exactly she had driven Remus away. Her first package had consisted of a basket carried by two large brown owls with a box of mint tea, a bar of Honeydukes' best chocolate, and a new book on Helen Guthrie, a seventeenth century Scottish witch that muggles thought they executed in 1662. Guthrie actually traveled to England, and became one of the many mistresses of Charles II during the Restoration. Taking the name of Nell Gwynn, Guthrie eventually bore several of Charles' children and became one of the most infamous actresses of the Restoration's dramatic stage. Remus immediately felt guilty. Although he most definitely wanted the Guthrie book to add to his collection on his study of medieval and modern Scottish Dark Arts, he didn't feel right about the circumstances under which he received the book. Remus had quickly dashed off a note of thanks to Tonks, but asked her not to send him any more presents or OWL posts. He promised to see her later in the week, all the while assuring her that she hadn't done anything wrong, and he wasn't angry with her. He was just tired and distracted. She HADN'T. DONE. ANYTHING. WRONG. He was fine. *They* were fine. It was just his habit to retreat into isolation as he attempted to work out what exactly the change in their relationship meant. It didn't mean that he was changing his mind about her, about them. Yes, he still wanted her; yes, he still wanted them. He just needed some time… and, understanding him as well as he knew she did, he knew that he would be in contact with her shortly… when he was ready, but not a second before….

That note bought Remus approximately twelve hours of peace. The next package to come had been filled with personalized artwork and a poem. Tonks theoretically had gotten around violating Remus' last proviso. He sighed as he looked at the new stack of colored paper that Moody had unrolled.

"I don't know why she's being so clingy lately. If I've told her once, I've told her a thousand times, sometimes there are days when I just WANT and just NEED to be by myself," Remus growled.

Grunting, Mad-Eye said, "The lass is young... you knew that going in, Remus. She's even young for her age, and the young need constant reassurance. Especially someone like the lass. And, to be fair, you set those ground rules BEFORE you changed the play of the game halfway through the cycle. That's not being fair, lad, and you know it."

Remus pursed his lips before he muttered, "I suppose you're right. I just don't know what she wants from me."

Mad-Eye nodded. "She's trying to be as subtle as she knows how, laddie..."

Looking up, Remus arched an eyebrow, "Subtle? Subtle about what?"

Moody shook his head as he continued on as if he hadn't heard Remus' question. "...she's skulking about in that room of hers upstairs, so do us all a favor, and do right by her before she goes off and gets you both into trouble when you're a bit more aggressively feral than usual?" He paused and added, "And, by that, I don't mean when you two are in bed."

Remus looked up in astonishment. "Pardon me?"

"You heard me," Moody said with a lecherous grin as he turned and began walking away. "What? Did you expect Dumbledore to keep that a secret?"

Moody disappeared before Remus could answer.

Unfolding her latest masterpiece, Remus looked from the drawing to outside window. While the moon was starting to measure out in its beautiful fullness, it was still far enough away from being completely full that Remus thought he could chance a chat with Tonks. He was disturbed to think of what might happen otherwise. Merlin knew that she would be foolish enough to go looking for the wolf… it had found her once already, and Remus knew… even if Tonks wouldn't admit it, there was something she found attractive about the wolf. She thought a quick glimpse, a short exchange before the dawn of the sun the night after the full moon suddenly made her an expert on lycanthropy. She thought, having told him just as much, she "could handle the wolf very well, thank you very much, Remus." Problem was, she was wrong. Remus knew it, and he just didn't feel like being proved right for once and so wanted to keep Tonks from putting them both in a position where he would be able to claim bragging rights.

Getting up, Remus made his way to Tonks' bedroom. He knocked once, and when he heard a slight shuffling, it was still a few more seconds before Tonks softly replied, "Come in."

Pushing the door open, Remus immediately felt his eyes dilate as they adjusted to the dimness of the room. Tonks was sitting Indian-style on her bed. Her eyes looked slightly red, but not puffy. Remus raised an eyebrow as he asked, "You okay, Tonks?"

Sniffling once, it was only a minute more before the redness was gone in her eyes. Tonks sighed as she said, "I'm going to be twenty-four soon, and I still haven't learned how to morph my bloody eyes after I've been crying."

"Why have you been crying, Tonks?" Remus asked, concern evident in his voice, feeling immediately guilty to think he had made her cry once again over something that suddenly seemed very selfish. Remus took a step further into the room as he looked at her with worry clear in his eyes.

Shaking her head, Tonks involuntarily sniffled for a moment before she shrugged and offered weakly, "I thought I did something to make you mad at me."

Closing the door behind him, Remus moved to sit down next to Tonks on the bed. He reached out and pulled her to him in a hug. "No, I'm not mad at you. It's just... well, to be quite honest, I don't trust myself around you right now, Dora."

"Why not?" Tonks asked incredulously. "I thought that we settled this..."

Shaking his head, Remus said, "No, it's not that, Dora... it's just the full moon is next week... and since it's the first once since all that's... changed between us... well, I don't trust myself around you when... And, when I have to deal with distractions that could get me into trouble if I don't handle them properly, especially when you… exacerbate the source of those distractions, if you know what I mean."

It took Tonks a moment to process what he said before her mouth opened in a wide o-shape. "Oh..." Tonks said.

Remus immediately sensed the disappointment in her voice as he clarified his earlier words. "It's not that I wouldn't love to be with you right now, Dora... Merlin, the things I would love to do to you right now, but I don't think either of us is quite ready to handle the emotions that escalating that particular aspect of our relationship would bring when we're still trying to figure everything out, you know?"

"I understand," Tonks said. "It's just that I wish you would have told me earlier instead of avoiding me. You see, work's been very difficult this week, and something happened that got me thinking that there are things I want to say to you and to do with you, and to do to you, quite honestly, and I started to get scared that something could happen before I finally get to do any of those things now that I've finally got the chance..."

Tonks stopped for breath. Looking up, she grinned sheepishly as Remus as she said, "Sorry. I was rambling there a bit."

"It's okay," Remus said. "Do you want to talk about what happened?"

Tonks shrugged. "Just a friend of mine didn't pull through during a raid this week. Dolohov got him with that same curse that he taught Avery to use on me, remember?"

"I remember," Remus said. "Who was it?"

"Danny," Tonks whispered. "And the funeral is on Friday, and I just got to thinking that I couldn't deal with it if it had been you because, well, I care about you too much… and, we all know how well I did the first time I thought you were dead, you know?"

"Danny Malick?" Remus said quietly.

Tonks nodded.

"I remember him," Remus said. "He's that bloke that gave you your first kiss up at Hogwarts."

Tonks looked up at Remus, wide-eyed, as she said, "You remember him?"

"'Course," Remus said. "Hufflepuff, wasn't he?"

Tonks slowly nodded. "But, how could you remember him? I don't think I even introduced you..."

Remus shrugged. "Sirius mentioned something about him a few weeks ago after Kingsley brought him over a few more of those Muggle music discs that Sirius has taken such a keen fancy to…." Remus looked up and said, "You never told me that he was the one who you tried to seduce when you went on that Firewhiskey binge a couple of months back."

Tonks blushed as she said, "It wasn't one of my finer moments."

Remus raised another eyebrow.

Tonks sighed. "Between you and I, it was probably one of the worst nights of my entire life. I'd rather forget it, truth to be told..."

"But?" Remus prodded.

"But," Tonks continued reluctantly, "Danny was there for me that night… and a lot of other times that have really been too numerous to count." She paused before she looked up and added, "He had a mean Impedimenta spell, you know? Better than me, and if he practiced a little more, he might have even beat Mad-Eye one of these days. We've been together since we left school, Remus. We survived Auror training together, and he's been my partner for so long that when I'm not working with Moody, well, I don't know what I am going to do. And he's the only other chap that I know who could sing more off-key than me. He had this neat way of making me truly laugh, especially when I needed a good laugh before you or Sirius weren't around to make me stop taking life so serious. He really was a decent bloke. I'm going to miss him... a lot. He was there for me several times when I really needed a friend."

Tonks felt her eyes start to water again as she whispered, "I didn't even get to tell him good-bye, Remus."

As she began to sob again, Tonks felt Remus pull him into a strong embrace. He started to pat her back in a rhythmic pattern. Tonks cried for several moments as Remus murmured soothing words in her ear. At last, when she had run out of tears, Tonks pulled away and looked at Remus. "Thanks," she said. "I really needed that."

"No problem," Remus said with a smile. "It's what I'm here for…."

Tonks smiled weakly as Remus lifted her chin with his hand as he looked in her eyes. "Just don't forget, Dora… those people whom we care about, especially the ones whom we love and those who love us back, they never really leave us."

"What do you mean?" Tonks asked. "Are you talking about when wizards become ghosts? Because I don't think that Danny would..."

Remus shook his head quickly as he said, "No, no, no, not at all. You misunderstand me. What I mean is this... I honestly believe that we are all a part of this huge, large living force. And as time passes, pieces of that force come to Earth to gain a greater understanding of life. Sometimes pieces visit several times, and become old souls who have been around the block once or twice or a hundred times and are simply here for the fun of it. Some people on this earth are visiting for the first time, and are young souls so everything is new to them. But, either way, I honestly think that go 'round after go 'round, those souls keep seeking each other out. We keep meeting each other over and over again, even if we're the same souls in different bodies. We never really leave each other, for better or worst."

"So are you saying that you could be a reincarnation of my Grandda Tonks?" Tonks said, somewhat confused.

Remus shrugged. "Did he love you very much?"

"Of course," Tonks said. "Or, at least so says Granny Tonks... Grandda Tonks died before I was born, you see, so I never really knew him."

"Well, then you never know," Remus said.

Leaning forward, Remus whispered into her ear, "Like I said, we never really leave the ones we love."

"So that means that I be your daughter from a former life? Or maybe you were a witch once upon a time, and I was a wizard, and maybe we fancied each other way back when just like we do now, and we keep finding each other again and again?" Tonks said out of breath.

Remus smiled, "It seems like you've got the general idea."

"I wonder if I was ever your mother," Tonks mentioned out loud. "Now, wouldn't that be trippy?"

Remus frowned. "For our sakes, I hope not, because I would never recover from the level of embarrassment I would suffer if I conjoined the image of you and and me and us doing some of the things I would like to do to you with the image of my mum. I think it might be enough to give me permanent... what do the muggles call it? Performance anxiety?"

Tonks laughed. "Okay, no more references about our respective mums or das and our sex life," Tonks said. "Not that we have a sex life..." she then added so softly as an afterthought, Tonks doubted that Remus heard her.

Remus looked up at her, a mischievous glint in his eyes as he said, "I heard that, Nymphordora."

"Remus, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times. Don't call me Nymphadora." Tonks last words trailed off as she let out a sigh when she suddenly felt felt Remus' warm breath on the side of her neck. Somehow, in the few seconds it had taken her to go off on her tirade, Remus had managed to move into a rather interesting position given the moratorium that he had put on physical contact since *the* night.

"Nymphadora," Remus whispered, as his lips brushed the soft skin of her neck.

Tonks moaned as she half-heartedly chastised him. "Remus, I meant it..." Tonks looked down at Remus' hands nowe caressing the soft skin hidden under her shirt. "Mmmm, that feels really good."

"So you keep telling me," Remus said with a sad smile.

Tonks reached her lips to Remus', and enjoyed just a moment of sweetness before he pulled away and said, "I better go."

"But I don't want you to," Tonks whimpered. "Please don't go."

Remus smiled, "You know I can't stay, Dora. Not tonight."

"Proper discussion?" Tonks asked wide-eyed, as Remus reluctantly headed for the door.

"Please?" Tonks said softly.

Remus shook his head. "Not tonight, but soon enough I promise you won't ever be able to get rid of me."

"You promise? You're done over-rationalizing things and trying to control every little detail about us?" Tonks sighed, frustration of more than one kind evident in her voice.

Nodding, Remus said, "I promise." Going towards the door, Remus said, "Goodnight, Dora."

"'Night, Remus."

Just as he was about to go, Remus stopped and said over his shoulder, "Just remember, Dora, no matter what happens, we'll always meet again. No matter what happens, I'll always be there for you. I'm never going to leave you again... I love you too much."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

* * *

><p>-TBC-<p> 


	8. Ch 8:Mad Eye's Musings:Flashforward 2

Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye

By: Lesera128

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Duh.

Summary: A series of one-shots about the life of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place in the universe created in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." Remus/Tonks. AU.

Author's Note: This series of one-shots are best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place just chronologically before, concurrently with, or after the events detailed in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." I wrote these pieces at the same time I began that story in 2005/2006, so it will help if you have read what is written of that story first. As a matter a fact, if you haven't read some of the first few chapters of that story, you will most likely be confused at things referenced I this story.

Fair warning: "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" currently remains uncompleted. It isn't because I have given up on that story, but simply put, after the publication of Order of the Phoenix, a bitter taste developed in my mouth that never went away. I started hating the plot of the series from the death of Sirius forward. So, for the purposes of this story, consider it AU up until the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. Anything that occurs from book #5 forward does not exist in this story's universe with happy, happy, and joyously deliberate intent. I do intend, at some point, to complete the story (there are only two chapters and two epilogues left to write anyway)… I just need to find some motivation.

Negative or snarky comments, flames, or petty jibs will be simply ignored. If you don't like the universe that this series represents, turn back now, for here be dragons. I am posting these series of one-shots more for the sake that they are complete, and some people have been curious as to where the plot of "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" ended up… so, if you are curious, stay tuned to find out….

* * *

><p>Chapter 8 – Mad Eye's Musings (Flashforward 2)<p>

* * *

><p>Moody made his way from the library at Grimmauld Place towards the kitchen. He was slower to move these days; he was getting old, and more importantly, he *<em>knew*<em> he was getting old. He shrugged off the melancholy thought as he opened the door to the kitchen and clunked his way towards the warmth of the fire.

The house was pretty much deserted at this hour. Moody knew that Remus had left the library shortly after his own precipitous exit. Tonks was in her room, and Sirius was about somewhere. The only other current occupant of Grimmauld Place, besides himself, sat waiting in the warmth of the kitchen sipping tea.

"There are times, Alastor, when you try even *my* patience," Dumbledore said quietly as he looked at his old friend over the edges of his half-moon glasses. Dumbledore took another dainty sip from the tea cup before he gently placed it on the table.

"What?" Moody grunted.

Raising an eyebrow, Dumbledore said, "I truly wish you had not told Remus what you just shared with him."

Immediately, Moody waved his hand in a dismissive gesture towards the door. "Oh, that?"

Dumbledore nodded his head. "Yes, *that*."

"It's nothing, Dumbledore," Moody said. "The lad just needed a push in the right direction."

"Which you gladly provided," Dumbledore observed wryly.

Moody shrugged. "He's not been doing right by the lass. He knows better."

"That's none of our business," Dumbledore said.

"Our?" Moody asked quizzically.

"Yes, I said 'our' as you involved me when you shared that little white lie with Remus just now. You know very well that I never told you anything that may or may not have occurred in recent months between him and Miss Tonks," Dumbledore said.

Moody smirked, "What? Would you have me giving away *ALL* my secrets? What my eye can see and what it can't see is my business and no one else's."

"Normally, I would agree, except when you are needlessly intruding upon other people's privacy," Dumbledore said lightly. "*_You*_ know better, Alastor."

"Pish posh, Dumbledore," Moody said dismissively. "It's my job to look out for Tonks, and that means even against someone who is normally on an even a keel as Remus Lupin."

"She is not your trainee anymore, Alastor," Dumbledore said. "She's a grown woman."

"She may be of age chronologically, but there are times when those first years of yours show more common sense than Tonks does," Moody growled.

Dumbledore sighed, "It is true that there have been times in the past when Miss Tonks hasn't shown the best judgment due to a certain amount of emotional immaturity..."

"Which only seems to have been exacerbated recently by her keeping as much company with Lupin as she has as of late," Moody said.

"It's still not your place to say, Alastor. After all, Tonks is not a child," Dumbledore said softly.

"No, she's not," Moody reluctantly admitted.

"She's not *_your_*child either, Alastor," Dumbledore clarified.

Moody narrowed his eyes. "I know that, Dumbledore. I know that."

"Sometimes I wonder if you've forgotten certain things..."

"I'm getting on in years, just like you, Dumbledore... It doesn't mean I'm senile," Moody rumbled.

Dumbledore raised his arms in a conciliatory gesture. "Of course not, Alastor, of course not." Dumbledore paused for a moment before he added, "Remus Lupin is a good man, Alastor. And more importantly, he's good for Tonks, and if I may be so bold as to add, I think they are good for each other."

"Maybe," Moody shurgged. "Either way, you're daft if you think I'm not going to keep looking out for the lass." He paused and then looked up with a menacing look in his good eye as he said, "And, if Lupin does *_anything_* to hurt her, don't be surprised if I show up on *his* doorstep for a *little* chat."

Dumbledore smiled, "As I said, Alastor, I would expect nothing less."

* * *

><p>-TBC-<p> 


	9. Ch 9:Peeves' Plea: Flashfoward 3

Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye

By: Lesera128

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Duh.

Summary: A series of one-shots about the life of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place in the universe created in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." Remus/Tonks. AU.

Author's Note: This series of one-shots are best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place just chronologically before, concurrently with, or after the events detailed in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." I wrote these pieces at the same time I began that story in 2005/2006, so it will help if you have read what is written of that story first. As a matter a fact, if you haven't read some of the first few chapters of that story, you will most likely be confused at things referenced I this story.

Fair warning: "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" currently remains uncompleted. It isn't because I have given up on that story, but simply put, after the publication of Order of the Phoenix, a bitter taste developed in my mouth that never went away. I started hating the plot of the series from the death of Sirius forward. So, for the purposes of this story, consider it AU up until the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. Anything that occurs from book #5 forward does not exist in this story's universe with happy, happy, and joyously deliberate intent. I do intend, at some point, to complete the story (there are only two chapters and two epilogues left to write anyway)… I just need to find some motivation.

Negative or snarky comments, flames, or petty jibs will be simply ignored. If you don't like the universe that this series represents, turn back now, for here be dragons. I am posting these series of one-shots more for the sake that they are complete, and some people have been curious as to where the plot of "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" ended up… so, if you are curious, stay tuned to find out….

* * *

><p>Chapter 9 – Peeves' Plea (Flashforward 3)<p>

* * *

><p>It had been purely by accident that Remus had come home early to the new flat that he now shared with Tonks. The afternoon had turned out to be quite beautiful, and as was his tendency to walk any and everywhere he could whenever the weather was fine, Remus had taken the long way home instead of just apparating. As soon as he reached their front door, Remus smiled as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a key. Inserting it in the lock, his smile broaded as he heard the distinct *click* of the lock as it opened. The flat dated to the early nineteenth century and had never been lived in by wizards prior to its recent occupancy by Tonks and Remus. When the current wizard owner had taken over the historic building, he had maintained some of the older mugglisms as selling points which he referred to as "quaint touches" when showing the place to perspective renters. In the end, the owner had been right, as the old locks were one of the reasons that Remus and Tonks had fallen in love with the place. Tonks loved working the locks, and to Remus, they were a nostalgic reminder of his early childhood when his wizard father had lived in a muggle household for the sake of his non-magical wife.<p>

Remus' father, Sulla Lupin, had passed away shortly after Remus had been bitten at the age of five. As a result, Remus' well-intentioned mother Maro trusted the majority of the responsibility for her only son's upbringing to her husband's older brother, Marius. Remus had adored his uncle Marius, and it was he who had taught him how to cope with his lycanthrophy in the years before he went away to Hogawarts. Remus' mother, Maro, was still alive, but she lived a quiet life in a cottage in the Lake distract of northern England on her sister Elizabeth's estate. Remus had been pondering when he should take Tonks to meet his mother considering the fact of the seriousness of their progressing relationship.

It was this exact conundrum with which Remus had been wrestling on the way home when he turned the key to the flat's door, opened the door, and was suddenly pelted with bits of chalk as an irritating voice sang out to him.

"Why look, it's loony loopy Lupin! Loony, loopy Lupin..."

Remus immediately had his wand out and pointed in a defensive stance as he looked up at the ceiling in the space of air just above their couch.

"You have got to be kidding me," Remus sighed in desperation.

* * *

><p>"And make sure that you are on time for the next staff meeting, Miss Tonks. I will not be embarrassed again because my new partner has a chronic inability to be punctual."<p>

Tonks rolled her eyes as she looked at the dumpy woman who was standing in front of her with arms crossed and nose flaring.

"You aren't my boss, you know!" Tonks shot back. "And it wasn't like I was overtly late to the meeting. I was only late by a couple of moments."

"Two minutes later than everyone else still makes you late."

"It was *two* bloody minutes," Tonks gritted out.

"Two minutes late is still two minutes late," came the aggravating reply.

"Oh, sod off, Edwina!" Tonks shot back in frustration. Standing, she pointed emphatically in the direction of her new partner. "I think I've had about all of your attitude that I can take for one day."

"Believe me," the dirty blonde haired witch said, "I would take Lord Voldemort himself as a partner over you any day. There was simply no one else available!"

"If you keep this up, I can arrange that!" Tonks shouted at the woman.

Edwina narrowed her eyebrows as she said, "Are you threatening me, Miss Tonks?"

"If you keep at up this attitude, you will find that I don't threaten... I either do or do not... And in your case, I would be more than happy to do!" Tonks yelled.

"That's it. I've had enough. I do not have to work in such a hostile work environment. I did not graduate at the top of my auror training class with ten NEWTS from Hogwarts to have to deal with this," Edwina blustered at Tonks. "I am going to report you to Madame Bones!" Edwina said as spun on her heels and stormed out of the office.

Tonks finally let out a deep sigh, but her head spun up in the direction of the door as suddenly she heard a familiar clunking. Looking up, she saw Mad-Eye Moody staring at her. "Did you make a new friend, lassie?"

Tonks smirked as she shook her head. "Oh, no, if anything I've just gone and met my worse enemy. Auntie Bella has new competition for the 'Witch Who Tonks Hates the Most Award'."

"Oh?" Moody prodded. "Who is she?"

"That would be Auror Edwina Malkirk," Tonks said with a grimace.

Moody eyed Tonks. "She's definitely not Gryffindor."

"No," Tonks said with a shake of her head. "Auror Malkirk is one of the pride and joys of Slytherin house, and she has now become the bane of my existence."

"Do you want me to have a talk with her, lassie?" Moody growled. "She looks like she needs some special persuading, and you know how much of an expert I am in the art of persuasion."

Tonks laughed. "I would be the first to point you in her direction if I thought I could get away with it, Mad-Eye, but I think Kingsley wouldn't take kindly to you obliterating my new partner."

"New partner, ehh?" Mad-Eye grunted.

"Uh-huh," Tonks said. "I've hated that woman since the day we were sorted into houses at Hogwarts. I hated her then, and I hate her now, and to top off everything, I'm stuck with her now that Danny's gone."

"Tough bit of luck there, lass," Moody grunted.

Tonks sighed. "You have no idea."

* * *

><p>"Is there something that I can help you with, Peeves?" Remus said calmly, forcing a smile on his face.<p>

Peeves stopped his cackling long enough to take notice of Remus. His hand immediately went to his nose as he shook his head. "Was looking for ickle Tonksie, I was, not loony loopy Lupin!"

"I didn't think that you left Hogwarts all that often," Remus said, as he slowly lowered his wand.

Peeves narrowed his eyebrows as he said, "I don't... Filchie would try and keep me out if he found out that Peevies left."

"Then why are you here?" Remus said.

"I told loony loopy Lupin, Peeves needs to see ickle Tonksie."

"Well, as you can see," Remus gestured around the room, "she's not here."

Peeves smirked, "I'll wait."

Remus sighed. "I was afraid you were going to say that."

* * *

><p>Several hours later, Tonks stumbled into her flat. She was tired. Considering the fact that Edwina Malkirk had been assigned to Tonks' division for all of eight hours, the wretched woman had managed to wreck so much havoc and general chaos, that a small part of Tonks reluctantly admired her style. However, Tonks was in no mood to laud Edwina Malkirk verbally any time soon. All she wanted was to complain to Remus as he served her mint tea, chocolate biscuits, and gave her a good massage in bed. Or, given her preference, Tonks could do without the tea and biscuits, and she and Remus could jump straight into bed.<p>

"Remus?" Tonks called out.

It took a moment before a muffled response came, "In here."

Tonks began to walk in the direction of their bedroom from which Remus's voice had come. Entering it, she didn't even look at Remus who was lounging on their bed, a book in his hand. "You won't believe what that stupid git did to me!" Tonks said as she unclasped her cloak and haphazardly tossed it on a nearby chair.

"What?"

"I've been put on report!" Tonks said in a quick burst of anger before she suddenly deflated and leaned against the door frame of the bedroom.

Looking up, Remus said in surprise, "By whom?"

"Madame Bones!" Tonks growled.

"For what?"

"Inappropriate hair and uniform violations," Tonks grumbled as she gestured to the drab black hair that was pinned to the top of her head. Under her cloak, she had worn a nondescript white button-down blouse, gray jumper, and black trousers. If Remus wasn't distracted by and concerned for how upset Tonks was, he definitely would have made a comment regarding how damn sexy her unusually conservative attire made her appear to him.

Trying to help, Remus set his book down and raised an eyebrow in askance. "Why did she do that?" Remus asked.

"Bloody Edwina Spawned-from-Satan Malkirk is why," Tonks said.

"Who is Edwina Malkirk?" Remus said casually. In her agitation, Remus could see Tonks' chest going up and down as her anger caught a second wind, she became animated once again. However, as she fired off rant after rant, she started to mutter so quickly that Remus really only heard part of what she was saying.

"...and my bloody new partner tried to report me for a whole bunch of other violations, but in the end Madame Bones told her she couldn't prove any of the other hostile accusations, and that since it was my word against hers, and Kingsley and Mad-Eye were backing me, all I was fined for were the dress code violations," Tonks said. She then looked down at her clothing with a look of disgust and frowned. "And that's how I ended up in this horribly drab jumper and now I look just like the daughter that Mum always wanted but that Sirius would tease mercilessly for my apparent 'conformity' and…." Tonks's voice trailed off as she suddenly noticed that Remus had not said a word, but remained unusually quiet as her rant progressed into a nearly incoherent stream of consciousness. Looking across the room, she noticed that Remus was looking at her, but at a very *specific* part of her.

Narrowing her eyebrows, Tonks asked suspiciously, "Remus?"

"Hmmm?"

"Have you heard a word I just said?"

"Of course," Remus said, his head suddenly snapping up to meet Tonks' gaze, hoping he hadn't been caught. Giving his his full attention to Tonks' face, he said innocently, "Why wouldn't I have?"

"Because my face is here," Tonks pointed at her head, "not here." She lowered her hand to her chest.

Knowing that he had been caught, Remus grinned.

"Sorry, but you just look damn sexy in that conservative get-up, and I can't help but wonder if the knickers you've got on underneath are just as conservative," Remus said as stood from the bed, narrowed his eyes, and took a predatory step towards Tonks.

Sensing the change in tension between them, Tonks grinned, "There's only one way to find out."

"I just bet there is," Remus said as he took another step towards her.

And, a moment later, when Remus tackled her to the bed, Tonks' last coherent thought was definitely not about Edwina Bloody Malkirk in any way, shape, or form.

* * *

><p>Sometime later, Tonks was staring up at the ceiling of her bedroom. Remus lay satiated beside her. Tonks snuggled close to him as her curiosity finally got the better of her concerning something she had just noticed about the ceiling.<p>

"Remus?"

"Mmmm?"

"A quick question for you."

"Sure, luv. What?"

"What's all the red writing on the ceiling?" Tonks asked in curiosity.

Remus lifted his head and groaned. Looking up at the ceiling, he nodded, "Oh, I thought I had cleaned all of that up."

"All of what?" Tonks said as she propped herself up on her elbows.

Remus sighed, "You had a visitor today."

"Oh?"

Remus nodded as he gestured at the ceiling. "He has a little problem that he claims he needs your help with concerning Filch's latest attempt to get him booted from Hogwarts."

Tonks laughed. "What now?"

"It seems as if Filch has found as obnoxious a poltergeist as Peeves and invited her into the castle to stay permanently… but, only on the condition she gets rid of Peeves first," Remus said.

"She?" Tonks giggled.

Remus nodded. "Her name is Magdala, and apparently she's willing to do anything to get one over on Peeves, even to the point of helping Filch. Peeves came here looking for his 'ickle Tonksie' for help because he said in as many words, that if anyone could help him get rid of someone like Magdala, it was you. But, you took so long coming back from the office, he started to go a bit ballistic on the flat in frustration. I thought I had cleaned most of it up, but I must have missed that part," he gestured at the ceiling where in big block red-lipstick letters, the words "PEEVES WUZ HERE" and "MISS U TONSKIE" lay scrawled on the ceiling.

"It's comforting to know that some things never change," Tonks laughed.

"I told him you'd go see him tomorrow up at the school," Remus said, pulling Tonks closer to him. "But, for now, I don't want to you think about anything other than what's right here in this bed."

"Meaning?" Tonks said as she narrowed her eyes.

Remus grinned as he reached for Tonks and rolled the pair over so that she was pinned beneath him once more. "It's time to see just how saucy a wench you are given your prudish exterior as denoted by your earlier wardrobe choices," Remus said.

Tonks chuckled. "So you're saying that I'm going to have to prove your initial assessment is wrong then?" as Tonks reached up and pulled his head closer to hers.

Remus nodded with a sly grin on his lips.

"Challenge accepted, Mr. Lupin," Tonks said with a devilish grin of her own as she reached up and began to kiss him.

And in the end, much later, Remus admitted that he *had* been proven wrong by Tonks, much to both he and Tonks' mutual delight.

* * *

><p>-TBC-<p> 


	10. Ch 10:Vignettes on Mother's Day: FF 4

Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye

By: Lesera128

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Duh.

Summary: A series of one-shots about the life of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place in the universe created in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." Remus/Tonks. AU.

Author's Note: This series of one-shots are best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place just chronologically before, concurrently with, or after the events detailed in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." I wrote these pieces at the same time I began that story in 2005/2006, so it will help if you have read what is written of that story first. As a matter a fact, if you haven't read some of the first few chapters of that story, you will most likely be confused at things referenced I this story.

Fair warning: "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" currently remains uncompleted. It isn't because I have given up on that story, but simply put, after the publication of Order of the Phoenix, a bitter taste developed in my mouth that never went away. I started hating the plot of the series from the death of Sirius forward. So, for the purposes of this story, consider it AU up until the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. Anything that occurs from book #5 forward does not exist in this story's universe with happy, happy, and joyously deliberate intent. I do intend, at some point, to complete the story (there are only two chapters and two epilogues left to write anyway)… I just need to find some motivation.

Negative or snarky comments, flames, or petty jibs will be simply ignored. If you don't like the universe that this series represents, turn back now, for here be dragons. I am posting these series of one-shots more for the sake that they are complete, and some people have been curious as to where the plot of "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" ended up… so, if you are curious, stay tuned to find out….

Just a fun fact for those who are unaware: Mother's Day in the UK is celebrated on the last Sunday in March instead of the second Sunday in May as in the U.S. Go figure.

* * *

><p>Chapter 10 – Vignettes on Mother's Day (Flashforward 4)<p>

* * *

><p>"Dora, why didn't Remus come with you?" Andromeda Tonks asked as she handed her daughter a plate with a slice of bread pudding covered in heavy cream and sprinkled with cinnamon.<p>

Tonks shrugged. "I don't really know, Mum. He's been quite busy lately... we really haven't been talking a lot lately…" 'at least not verbally,' Tonks thought with a wicked grin, "now that you mention it."

"And that doesn't bother you?" Andi said, the confused look evident on her face.

Tonks shook her head. "No." She paused before she added, "It's just something I've reluctantly gotten used to over the years. There are days when Remus really just wants and needs to be left alone." She lifted a spoonful of the pudding to her mouth and stopped in midair as she added, "One would almost think as if he was the actual girl in our relationship instead of me, but there you are." Tonks took a bit and smiled as she mouthed through the dessert, "This is really good, Mum."

Andi smiled. "It cannot be said that your father is not a good cook. I'm just sorry that Remus missed it because I know it's one of his favorites."

"I'm sorry too, Mum," Tonks said before she added with a mischievous grin, "But, if it's any consolation, I'll chuck one of his books at him the next time that I see him… one of the heavier ones too… strictly in your honor."

Andi laughed as she extended her arms to her daughter. She paused before she looked at her daughter and said, "Just make sure its the comprehensive history he wrote. I think that's the heaviest isn't it?"

Tonks laughed as she nodded.

"Good," Andi said. "Thanks, luv."

"You're welcome, Mum," Tonks said as she hugged her mother tightly. "Happy Mother's Day."

* * *

><p>A distinctive *POP* shattered the heavy silence of their flat as Tonks apparated home.<p>

Looking around the flat she shared with Remus, she sighed as she noticed stacks of used parchment and quills and half-filled pots of ink littering the kitchen table. Reaching down, Tonks began to straighten the clutter as she muttered to herself, "One would have thought that in any relationship between Nymphadora Tonks and Remus Lupin that *I* would have been the slob. Go figure."

Tonks was busy screwing the lid on one of the ink bottles when she felt a warm pair of hands come around her waist.

"Hi," Remus murmured into Tonks' ear.

Tonks couldn't help it as some of her annoyance unconsciously melted away. "Wotcher, Remus."

"You're early," Remus said.

Tonks nodded as she leaned into him slightly. "Mum was disappointed you didn't come, and everything sort of wrapped up a lot faster than either of us thought once Da dozed off for his evening nap."

"Ted is a wise man," Remus said with a chuckle. "Did you eat?"

Tonks nodded as she said, "Da made bread pudding for you with that fresh clotted cream from the country and sprinkled it with Chinese cinnamon. It was *incredible*."

Remus frowned slightly as he said, "Oh, that's too bad." His frown then brightened as he looked around and said, "You didn't bring any of that home with you by chance, did you?"

Tonks shook her head with an evil smile.

"Oh," came the disappointed frown again.

The evil grin disappearing off her face, Tonks turned serious as she sighed. "You know, he made it especially for you, Remus, because he thought you were coming tonight," Tonks said as looked up at her husband's gaze. "They were both really sad you didn't come."

Remus sighed. "I know, and I'm sorry, but I just didn't feel right imposing on them on a day that should be for you and Andi. Today was for family."

"After three and a half years, I think it is safe to say that they think of *you* as family, Remus," Tonks said. "If not as a son, then at the very least as a stepbrother... maybe a cousin's former roommates' half-brother?" Tonks chuckled. Remus was still frowning as Tonks joked. With a shrug, she then said, "Okay, then how about this? If nothing else, at least as a *very* close and old friend of the family..." Tonks said.

Remus narrowed his eyebrows. "Maybe. But, I still don't feel right about it."

"It's Mother's Day, Remus," Tonks said, uncharacteristically insightful. "Today was not really a day about what you felt about you. It was for my Mum… and your Mum, but I'm willing to bet you just sent another owl post… didn't even use the floo to call her, did you?"

Remus bit his lip unconsciously, and at the gesture, Tonks knew she had him… twice over. A very unusual situation for her, Tonks watched as guilt washed over him as he said, "You're right."

"'Course I am," Tonks said with a nod. "I'm always right."

Remus frowned, but Tonks continued.

"Anyway, you haven't felt right about *it* on just about every holiday except for Easter during the past three and a half years," Tonks said. She paused before she said, "Listen, Remus... I understand you aren't really the marrying kind. I know you've never been partial to the idea of marriage, and since I don't really need a ceremony to make me feel like I'm married to you, I've accepted that, but..."

"Who said I wasn't the marrying kind?" Remus said with a slight bit of humor in his voice. "I never said that."

"You get an allergic reaction every time we've even talked about the idea of marriage for the past year, Remus. Don't think I don't know a nervous rash when I see it. I'm not as thick as you think if you think I didn't notice that," Tonks said.

"It's not you," Remus said. "I'd marry you in a heartbeat if it weren't for the lycanthropy. You know that."

"Sod your lycanthropy," Tonks said plainly, as she started to get angry. "That's just an excuse, Remus, and you know it." She paused before she looked at him as she said, "Listen, I didn't want to argue about this. I know it takes you a long time to get used to changes, and I'm okay with that as long as you eventually get used to the idea; we can take as much time as you need before we go through with the formalities because I love you, Remus."

"I know you do, Dora. I know you do."

* * *

><p>Tonks lay on her side of the bed curled against the edge. Remus could tell she was still upset at him... or, if she wasn't angry with him, she was annoyed with him at the very least. He reached across the expanse of the bed and whispered, "Dora?"<p>

She was quiet for a moment before she responded, "Yes?"

"If you really want to get married, we can get married," Remus said quietly. "I can't stand the idea that I'm hurting you."

Tonks turned over slowly, "You're not hurting me, Remus. I just get frustrated with you sometimes, that's all."

"Any particular reason?" Remus prodded lightly.

Shaking her head, Tonks said, "Not really."

"Dora." Remus prodded again. "Tell me."

"It's nothing that we haven't talked about before, Remus... Marriage, family, children... same old, same old," Tonks said.

Remus sighed. "Ahh."

"What?" Dora prodded.

"Nothing," Remus said.

Tonks sat up in bed and turned to Remus. The moonlight played upon his face in its silver glow. Tonks almost stopped, lost in at the sight of him. It was almost the week of the full moon. She had forgotten. Shaking her head, Tonks concentrated on the issue at hand. "Remus, tell me."

"It's just that every so often *this* comes up, and I should have known better given the fact that today was Mother's Day," Remus said softly.

Tonks bit her lip. Sometimes… sometimes, she just got *so* frustrated with Remus, if for no other reason that he knew her so well. She paused before she said, "Like I said earlier, Remus, it's nothing that we haven't gone 'round and 'round about before."

"When we first agreed about the realities of any relationship between us, Dora, you knew that children weren't necessarily a part of the bargain," Remus said lightly.

Tonks sighed. "That was only when it was based upon the possibility of there not being a good reason for you not to be a father, Remus. Thus far, I've yet to see one," Tonks said.

"My lycanthropy..."

"...is no reason why you shouldn't have sons and daughters if you want children."

Tonks paused as she looked up and blinked. "Unless, of course, you don't want children."

"No, that's not it and you know it," Remus said.

"Then you don't want to have children with *me*," Tonks said.

"You know that there isn't anything I want more in the world," Remus said in exasperation.

"Then why?" Tonks cried. "I am going to be twenty-eight years old, and I didn't know that the idea of me wanting to have a baby with the love of my life was so much to ask. I didn't know that it was too much to ask to maybe have a little boy or girl with my eyes and your hair eating bread pudding with you and me on Mother's Day one year. I never thought that the possibility of having someone call me "mum" was so far fetched an idea, Remus."

"It's not," Remus said. "It's not, for you..."

"Oh, please save me the wonderful speech starring Remus J. Lupin as the Merry Martyr," Tonks said. "I already know the routine… I've seen it many, many, *many* times before, Remus." She paused before she took a breath and said softly, "What is so horrible about the idea of wanting to have a baby, Remus? What is so wrong with the idea of you loving me enough and me loving you enough to make a baby? What's so terrible about the prospect of the two of us gaining a bit of immortality by bringing another life into this world?"

"Because I refuse to damn any child of mine to the cursed existence that I've been forced to lead since I was five years old. I just want do it, Nymphadora... no matter how much I love you, I just won't do that to my child," Remus almost shouted.

Tonks was quiet for a moment before she said softly, "There is only a 60% chance that the gene would be passed on..."

"I wouldn't do it if there was only a 6% chance, Dora. Any chance is too much, and you've known how I've felt about this from the start," Remus said.

Tonks felt the tears start. "Yes, I know," Tonks said. "And stupid tosser that I am, I thought I might be able to convince you that you're a good enough man who shouldn't allow an affliction like lycanthropy to dominate your life. You would make a wonderful father, Remus... I just don't know why you can't understand that."

She looked up at him and quickly brushed away a tear. Remus sighed. "Dora..."

She raised a hand and stopped him, "No, Remus, please don't." She paused and then slowly shook her head, "Now, if you'll excuse me..."

And with another *POP*, she was gone.

* * *

><p>Remus didn't see Tonks for almost two days. Although they didn't fight often, when they did, they usually needed a good bit of space and time to put things right. Remus knew that Tonks would come to him when she was ready. He wouldn't pressure her... which was one of the primary reasons he was sitting at Harry Potter's kitchen table, a cup of tea in one hand and a framed photograph of Lily Evans Potter in the other.<p>

"I'm sorry you don't remember her, Harry," Remus said before he took a sip of tea. "She really was quite a remarkable woman."

Harry smiled as he took the frame from Remus. "So I've been told."

"And she never had any problems convincing your father to get married and to have a baby," Remus said. "James was very keen on both ideas from the very first time Lily brought it up." Remus paused before he looked at Harry and added with a sly grin. "Of course, it may have been more the idea of actually *making* a baby that appealed to James, and marriage was secondary, but it is James we're talking about, so who knows?"

Harry laughed.

Remus set down the cup of tea as he looked at Harry. "Have you and Hermione thought about getting married... maybe having some kids?"

Harry shrugged. "We've talked about it now and again... more as a vague potentiality for the future than anything. She's just so busy between her job and taking care of her mum, and I never seem to have a free moment now that I'm in training. Tonks was right, you know. She told me as soon as she found out that Moody was returning to heading up the auror training program that my life was going to be hell for the next two years, and she was more than right. Then man is one of the most brilliant wizards I've ever met, but he never lets up."

Remus smiled as he recalled the many conversations that he and Mad-Eye had had over the years of his relationship with Tonks. He finally said, "Yes, Mad-Eye can certainly be tenacious when he wants to be."

Harry laughed. "I think that's putting it mildly, Remus." Nodding, Harry said, "You know, though, that you can stay here as long as you like. I'm usually at Hermione's anyway."

"Thanks," Remus said.

Harry nodded. "You're welcome." He paused before he added, "And, Remus?"

"Hmmm?" Remus replied, somewhat distracted as he thought of Tonks.

"You know that if there is anything you ever need, all you have to do is ask, right?" Harry said.

Remus nodded slowly. "Yes, I remember."

And, for a split second, Remus glanced at Harry's eyes and merely saw Lily. The image was gone as quickly as it had come, and as Remus shook it off, he realized that at long last, he understood what Tonks felt. This, this thing between he and Harry… he'd been doing it for so long, he didn't realize it before. His relationship with Harry was what fathers and sons did. When did he become a father to Lily and James' son and not realize it? Sirius… okay, Sirius was Harry's godfather… always had been. Their father/son bond had always been so natural… everyone knew it, and accepted it. But, Remus and Harry? That was a bit more personal, a bit less well known. But, it was to Remus that Harry always went. On the day he finally killed Voldemort, it was from Sirius whom he accepted the first hug, but it was to Remus that Harry had given that knowing nod that yes… that particular job was finally finished, Harry realizing that Remus was the one who understood his need for vengeance because of his mother's death… even more so than his father's murder. It was Remus who brought Harry James' robes on his graduation day from Hogwarts. And it was to Remus whom Harry talked about his idea to apply for the auror training program at the ministry. It was to Harry whom Remus talked when he had thought about finally moving in with Tonks. It had been Harry's reassurances that the benefits of the relationship he had with the woman he loved outweighed the pain of potentially losing her. And, now, once again, it was to Harry that Remus had come when he found himself wrestling with the idea of fatherhood… Remus had come to the one man who not only knew of Remus' potential for being a very good father to a child, but possessed first-hand evidence to support his beliefs. Now, one more time, Remus just needed to be told that he had done right by James' son, by *Lily's* son… that Remus *could* be a good father. And, if Harry could convince him of that, than maybe, just maybe, Tonks was right, and Remus could get used to the idea eventually... and, that issue being settled, there really wasn't any reason the pair of them couldn't finally get married if that's what Tonks really wanted... particularly since marriage wasn't the change Remus was fighting against... but what came after marriage was the issue that perplexed and scared him the most. But, *time*... Remus knew that he needed more time if this was going to happen.

"Harry?"

"Yes?"

"Do you have any place you have to be this morning?"

Shaking his head, Harry said, "No, I'm off today. Why?"

Looking up, Remus said, "I think it is about time I told you a story."

"Oh?" Harry said. "About what?"

Remus smiled. "About Lily." Remus paused for a moment before he said, "I'm not sure where to start, but now that you mention it, I do need your help for something because I need some advice, but before I ask you, there are a few things I think I need to explain to you..."

* * *

><p>Tonks sat on a cold stone bench in the churchyard in Godric's Hollow. The large marble markers of Lily and James Potter's tombs stared back at her. Tonks stared specifically at Lily's grave as she took a deep breath. The cold air pierced her lungs as she fought back further tears. Over the years, Tonks had taken to coming to see Lily when she was having trouble with Remus and needed to talk. Nobody, least of all Remus, had any idea about Tonks' odd habit, and she preferred it that way. Most days, coming to see Lily helped her sort things through, but, on this day, Tonks only stood up and simply placed the white carnation on Lily's grave.<p>

"It's not right for me to come here and dump this on you today, Lily. Yesterday was your day... and while it may never be mine, that problem will keep for a while," Tonks said.

Standing up, she nodded once as she said softly, "Happy Mother's Day, Lily. Happy Mother's Day."

* * *

><p>-TBC-<p> 


	11. Ch 11:Loss of Identity: Flashfoward 5

Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye

By: Lesera128

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Duh.

Summary: A series of one-shots about the life of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place in the universe created in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." Remus/Tonks. AU.

Author's Note: This series of one-shots are best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place just chronologically before, concurrently with, or after the events detailed in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." I wrote these pieces at the same time I began that story in 2005/2006, so it will help if you have read what is written of that story first. As a matter a fact, if you haven't read some of the first few chapters of that story, you will most likely be confused at things referenced I this story.

Fair warning: "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" currently remains uncompleted. It isn't because I have given up on that story, but simply put, after the publication of Order of the Phoenix, a bitter taste developed in my mouth that never went away. I started hating the plot of the series from the death of Sirius forward. So, for the purposes of this story, consider it AU up until the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. Anything that occurs from book #5 forward does not exist in this story's universe with happy, happy, and joyously deliberate intent. I do intend, at some point, to complete the story (there are only two chapters and two epilogues left to write anyway)… I just need to find some motivation.

Negative or snarky comments, flames, or petty jibs will be simply ignored. If you don't like the universe that this series represents, turn back now, for here be dragons. I am posting these series of one-shots more for the sake that they are complete, and some people have been curious as to where the plot of "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" ended up… so, if you are curious, stay tuned to find out….

* * *

><p>Chapter 11 – Loss of Identity (Flashforward 5)<p>

* * *

><p>Tonks sat on the couch with her legs tucked under her. Her hands were clasped as she narrowed her eyes in frustration.<p>

"Well?"

Remus Lupin was quiet for a moment before he let out a long sigh. He turned his head from where it was staring out the window of his old cottage. They rarely came here anymore, but Remus liked to keep it. It had been his for so long, the more things changed in his life, the more the older remnants of his past meant to him. The represented things he feared he was losing more of each day… control… stability… consistency… but, mostly control.

"Well what?"

Tonks worked very hard to modulate the tone of her voice. She would *NOT* become emotional... again.

"Don't you have anything you want to say?"

Remus turned his whole body around to face Tonks. He slowly folded his hands between his back, and in almost a stoic manner, responded, "What, exactly, is it that you are expecting me to say, Tonks?"

Tonks was quiet herself for a moment. She then said, in a feigned attempt at nonchalance, "Oh, I don't know, Remus… just *something*… *anything*?" He remained quiet again, and Tonks couldn't bear the crushing silence of the cottage as she only heard their labored breathing. Finally she tossed her hands in the air, and prompted, "Perhaps something akin to the fact that you're happy, and you love me, and you're okay with this?"

"I *do* love you, Dora," Remus said quietly. "Love has never been the issue."

"No," Tonks said as she stood up. "It's just the idea of our love manifesting itself that you've had a problem with since day one."

"I've always been blatantly honest with you about my feelings on this subject, Dora," Remus said.

Tonks sighed. "And, even now, they haven't changed?"

"I don't know!" Remus said, almost a bit too loudly, the first indication that his control was slipping. He shook his head and pursed his lips in annoyance. Only with this woman… only *because* of this woman, had he given up so much of the control he needed in his life to survive. Didn't she know what she was doing to him? Tonks had remained unusually quiet, and the quiet had caught Remus' attention. He looked at her and saw her staring at him, the open 'o' shape of her mouth indicating her surprise. Clearly, the response he had given her had not been the one she had been expecting. Shrugging, some of the anger leaking out of him, he repeated more softly, "I just don't know how I feel about it anymore, Dora." He paused and then seemed to be testing each word in his mind before saying, "I've been grappling with the heart of the matter for a while now, Dora… trying to get used to the idea… but, I thought I would have more time. More time to think things over, more time to plan for the changes that the matter entails…."

Tonks crossed her arms as she said, "Our child is not a 'matter' anymore, Remus. He or she is flesh and blood, and it's time you started to get used to it because I am not getting rid of this baby."

Remus crossed to the opposite side of the room, and sat down. He looked at Tonks over the back of his shoulder and said, "Now don't you think you're being a bit melodramatic, Dora?"

"Melodramatic?" Tonks said, in feigned indignation. "Me? Melodramatic? No, never." She chuckled a bit at her husband's attempt at levity.

Slowly, Tonks came over and stood behind Remus' chair. She slowly reached out her hands and wrapped them around his neck. His body tensed slightly at her touch, but as she nestled against his back, he relaxed a bit. At last, Tonks spoke softly, "I swear I didn't do this on purpose, Remus."

"I know, Tonks."

"Do you, Remus? Do you really? Because I don't think I could take it if you thought I ended up like this on the sly... especially given some of our recent discussions on the matter," Tonks said quietly. "This is just as much a surprise to me as it is to you, but now that it's happened, I think it's just best that we deal with it."

"Deal with it?" Remus said quietly, practicality, as always, dominating his thought processes. After all, that's what he was… a scholar. And scholars always were thinking, always were analyzing all aspects of every situation as they tried to anticipate and control. "How do you exactly propose we deal with this, Dora? From a legal perspective, what we've done is to have broken the law... because... Well, you know... It's considered illegal because it falls under the category of breeding dangerous and dark creatures."

Tonks immediately pulled back and sighed loudly, "Why do you have to be such a wanker sometimes, Remus? Our child was conceived in the marriage bed of a husband and wife who love each other." She bit her lip for a moment before she said, "Besides, there is no guarantee that there is going to be anything dark or dangerous about our baby."

Remus looked at her, and almost said something, before he nodded. "Yes, that's true, Dora. But the Ministry won't see it that way. Legally, because you are married to me, I am the father of this child... and all the Ministry sees when they read my file is 'WEREWOLF.' It doesn't matter if the test for the gene comes back positive or negative… our baby will simply be seen as 'CHILD OF WEREWOLF'."

"I know that..."

"And that all can only happen *after* the baby is born. Until then… it means until the baby is delivered and proven to be free of the defective gene, it means we could be facing strict sanctions from the Ministry... and maybe even time in Azkaban," Remus said.

"I am not going to have my baby in that hellhole," Tonks said defiantly.

Remus smiled. "You? No, you wouldn't be the one to go to Azkaban, Tonks, I would... at least until after the baby is born, pending the outcome of the genetic tests."

"I won't let them take you away. I'm an Auror, one of the divisions most senior aurors since Voldemort's defeat, as Mad-Eye likes to remind me every day, for Merlin's sake. While that still tickles me to no end," Tonks laughed nervously, "I think it's about bloody time that it work for me instead of against me… they wouldn't do *that* to an Auror's husband," Tonks said.

"They would if the Auror's husband were a werewolf, which I happen to be, Dora," Remus said realistically.

Remus frowned when he heard a sharp intact of breath. He could immediately sense that Tonks' frustration had deepened. His suspicions were confirmed when she said loudly, "Bloody hell, Remus. Why do you always have to do that? Why do you always have to go and tear yourself down, reduce everything that you are to one single night a month? You are not *just* a werewolf."

"I know that, Tonks," Remus said. "But it is a large part of my identity."

"Sod your bloody identity, Remus. Or should I just refer to you as 'werewolf' from now on?" Tonks said indignantly.

"Tonks," Remus said, his own frustration raised slightly. "As I have said many times before, you knew EXACTLY who and *what* I was when we got married... against my better judgment, I might add."

"I married Remus Lupin, not a werewolf," Tonks said.

"No, you didn't," Remus said. "You married both, Tonks. And like it or not, I am still the same person I was as before we got married." Remus paused before he said, "Just because we're married, Tonks, doesn't mean that who and what I was before we said 'I do' was abrogated," Remus said. "You're a part of my life and I love you, but I didn't loose my identity when we got married. When I put that ring on your finger, we didn't suddenly become this package deal where Remus and Dora exist as one cognizant being after everything that we were separately was stripped away to make room for the new 'us'."

"I'm your wife," Tonks said quietly.

Remus smiled in an attempt to soften his words even though he knew they would sound more harsh than he had intended. "Yes, you are, and I love you. But that's not all you are. You are a separate being in and outside of that role. You are also Ted and Andi's daughter, Mad-Eye's best friend, a Ministry auror, a one-time member of the Order, and a dozen other things whether you want to admit it or not. You've got to understand, Tonks, that marriage... and now, motherhood, I suppose, doesn't mean that you lose your own personal identity."

"I haven't lost my identity," Tonks said. "I've just changed... just like you. We've merely evolved, Remus…. 'evolved', as in *positive*, not 'changed', as in *negative*."

"No," Remus said. "No, no matter what you may say in an attempt to deny it, I don't think you're so predictable an individual who would… tolerate… reducing yourself to such a one-dimensional personality, Tonks. You'd get too bored with yourself," Remus laughed. "It's kind of similar to the reason as to why you never have just one hair color. I think you like the separateness it gives you as compared with the rest of the Wizarding World."

"So… let me see if I understand what you're saying, because I have to admit, Remus, you are kind of confusing me…. You're saying that while I can't lose my identity just because I'm your wife, it's all right for you to lose your identity to the wolf each and every month?" Tonks asked.

Remus shook his head. "No, that's not it at all, and you know it, Dora. They aren't remotely similar... you can control your identity, I can't control the lycanthropy."

"Merlin!" Tonks cried. "You sound like a broken record when you say that... Let me guess, the next part of the show is when you put on your hat and play the delightful part of Remus J. Lupin, the Merry Martyr?"

"Now that is not even being remotely fair, Tonks."

"Maybe not, but it's not fair that you're being a bloody git!" Tonks said.

Remus frowned, but said nothing in response. Somehow, they had gone from him trying to explain to her, to her lashing out at him in frustration… again. And, if there *was* one thing that Remus knew, it was that he should never try to explain or reason with Tonks when she was so emotional.

For a moment, neither member of the couple said anything. At last, Tonks looked up at him. Remus inwardly groaned as he realized that Tonks had tears pricking the corners of her eyes.

She was silent for a moment more before she said softly, "Today was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life, Remus. And now you're telling me that you made a mistake when you married me?"

"Now I never said that..." Remus said.

Tonks cut him off with a way of her hand. "Excuse me... I can't do this right now. I think I'm going to be sick."

Within a few seconds, Tonks had dashed from the room towards the loo. Remus cringed at the sounds as she retched what little food she had eaten that morning. Sighing, he quickly wrote a note, and disappeared before Tonks even knew he was gone.

* * *

><p>Harry wasn't surprised when he heard a knock at his apartment door. Ever since this latest crisis in Remus and Tonks' up and down relationship had begun a few months ago, Harry had been expecting Remus to show up on his door… again. Remus' recent low key marriage to Tonks had done the exact opposite thing that Harry hoped it would do... instead of settling the pair down and stabilizing things, it had exacerbated the situation since the pair weren't really arguing over the issue of marriage... but a separate issue entirely.<p>

"So, what started the argument this time?" Harry said, as he shut the door behind Remus.

Remus sighed as he said simply, "Now, don't you start too."

Harry was quiet for a moment as Remus followed him into the kitchen and both sat down at the table. Harry quickly produced a bottle of fire whiskey from one of the cabinets and poured generous portions into two glasses which he had taken from the cupboard. Remus lifted his in the air, and Harry returned the salute.

"Tonks is pregnant," Remus said.

Harry's eyebrow arched in surprise. "Well, that was certainly fast. I thought you were still at the point where you were trying to convince yourself that you were ready to start *discussing* the *idea* of having a baby with her since you two just got married a few weeks ago," Harry said quietly.

Remus set his glass on the table and nodded. "Touché. However, what's done is apparently done, with or without my mind's need to control it having been taken into account... or having it done on my schedule as opposed to the universe's..."

"So you regret it?"

Remus shook his head, a huge sigh suddenly deflating him. "No. I'm so happy that I wanted to burst, but I couldn't tell her that. She was so happy, but there are *so* many things that can go wrong, Harry. So many things. And, one of us... well, one of us *has* to be the responsible one and think about the bad things in life, because, Merlin knows Tonks' won't…."

Harry let his friend ramble on a bit. Remus' voice trailed off before he looked up at Harry with a weak smile, "You know, she called me the Merry Martyr again... and I absolutely *HATE* it when she does that." He pursed his lips before he said, "If I didn't know better, I would say that was something that Sirius would be the type to come up with… it has his flare. But, when I cornered him a couple of weeks after the first time she called me that, he swore with my wand pointed at him that it wasn't his handiwork." Remus reached up and placed his hand on the bridge of his nose as he massaged it to try and get a bit of relief from the pounding headache that had been looming over him for several hours. "Sometimes I forget that Tonks is related by blood to Sirius, and then she goes and can piss me off so bloody much that I remember with a vengeance that she's half Black."

"That's love, Remus," Harry said, at last. "The good and the bad… they sort of go together. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I've tried apologizing to Hermione that she fell in love with the 'Boy Who Lived'… James and Lily Potter's son… but now she's just gotten to the point that she just looks at me, shakes her head, and says, 'the good goes with the bad, Harry,'."

"The good goes with the bad, ehh?" Remus said as he eyed his friend with a smile.

Harry nodded, his green eyes blazing so brightly that just for a moment, when Harry smiled, Remus saw a flash of Lily so clearly in him that it hurt.

Slowly, Harry nodded his head, "The good goes with the bad… for example, I love you so it doesn't matter so much if you've been landing on my flat's doorstep in need of a stiff drink and awful lot of late... timed coincidentally, I might add, for when I'm just coming off shift and/or on my days off."

Remus frowned. He opened his mouth to say something by way of apology, but Harry waved him off.

"It's nothing, Remus. You know you're always welcome here. Besides Sirius… who I've always kind of thought of more as a very rambunctious older brother, you're the closest thing to a father that I've ever had… you know I love you and you know I'd do anything for you… except, maybe helping you to screw up the best thing that's ever happened to you. I just think that maybe you need to stop using me like I think you used to use my Mum to avoid saying things to the real person you should be saying them to, you know?" Harry said.

Remus bit back a sardonic laugh. Something glinted in his eye, something strange that Harry didn't recognize.

"What?"

Remus shook his head, thinking back to a very, very similar statement that Lily had once told him right before she and James went into hiding from Voldemort.

*'Stop hiding from Tonks, Remus. Say what you need to say to her, not me,'* Lily had said.

Now, more than twenty years later, the same set of green eyes was saying almost the exact same thing to him all over again, in a way bringing everything full circle. A small part of Remus appreciated the symmetry in that.

"Sometimes, you have too much of your mother in you for your own good, you know that, Harry?" Remus said at last.

Harry grinned. "So I've been told."

"Lily's heart and understanding and James' loyalty and generosity to his friends," Remus said. "It's quite a dangerous combination, isn't it?"

Harry smiled. "If you only really knew…."

* * *

><p>By the time Tonks felt strong enough to stumble out of the loo, she immediately felt the emptiness of the house. It stung her like a chilly wind on a cold winter's morning. However, when she saw Remus' note, she immediately felt better.<p>

"_Gone to Harry's. Be back when the retching is over. ~R_."

Tonks sighed as she put the note down. She wasn't sure how Remus would handle it when she told him the news, but she hadn't expected his reaction to be anything like the way in which things had actually occurred.

Suddenly feeling very tired, Tonks decided to go and lay down. Walking to their bedroom, she crawled into the massively lonely bed, wrapped the blankets around her, and drifted off into a fitful sleep. Sometime later, Tonks awoke to the gentle pressure of someone crawling into bed with her. Remus immediately reached out and pulled Tonks to him.

"What time is it?" Tonks said somewhat groggily.

Remus looked out the window, and shrugged. "Late." He then reached down and gently kissed her brow as a hand snaked down to gently caress her still flat stomach. "Go back to sleep."

"Mmmmm." She smiled somewhat groggily and curled against his side as she said softly, "Goodnight, Dada."

Pulling her even more tightly against him, Remus smiled softly as he whispered, "You too."

* * *

><p>~The End~<p> 


End file.
